About a week after Elijah passed I got a facebook message from Brandt. If you don’t know Brandt I will give you a summary. I viewed Brandt as my first baby boy. He is the son of my childhood neighbors Sherrie and Gary. The first time I ever babysat for the family Sherrie was pregnant with Brandt and had two adorable little girls I loved, Andra and Shana. These girls stole my heart! I was 13 years old I think almost 14, I watched the girls for just two hours while Sherrie and Gary went to an open house in early June which meant Sherrie was ready to deliver Brandt any day. I danced and sang with the girls I hugged them and loved them, everything went perfect on my first babysitting experience. Just two short weeks later a beautiful baby boy was born on June 20 1990. In late July I finally had my first experience with this sweet little boy. Sherrie needed to go to the grocery store and Brandt had just been laid down for a nap, so Sherrie called my mom and asked if she was going to be home and if so if I could come over and listen for Brandt to wake up. My mom said yes and off I went, so excited. The house was quite the girls were up north with their grandparents, it was just Brandt and I. About an hour after Sherrie left little Brandt woke up and I remember him just making little fusing noises, I went into his baby blue room and picked him up out of his crib. I carried him to the front picture window where I sat in a chair and lost my heart to this baby boy. It is the first experience I had with this feeling of surrendering my heart. I know I fell in love hard and complete, I would do anything for this boy. From that point on I became the official summer caregiver, driver, pretend mom, and big sister to these children. I learned and grew with them. I experienced my first divorce and felt the pain as if it were my own parents. My heart was filled, I felt their pain, I protected, I knew love, the unconditional kind. The kind that my own parents had toward me, the kind my siblings and I had, but in some ways more. Because I was the youngest and never was put in the position of the protector I did not know what this was until my beautiful Chapman family came. Years past kids grew and moved away and on, but my love was never gone. On holidays, graduations, recitals, weddings, and just when someone needed a ear, I was still called. So back to the message from my dear Brandt.

Brandt was raised as a christian and works for his church in Ohio. He had just saw a great message and sent me the video link for me to watch.  Brandt’s message to me read, Hey Tera take a look at this past weekends message. Sooooooo good and one of my favorite speakers :). This message was on Grace.  So first off what is grace, I thought?  I looked up the definition of this magically word. Because when I think about the meaning of Grace for myself, I think of when I was a dancer. I think of Grace of a beautiful ballerina looking effortless and flowing through the motions. When I looked up grace here’s what I found:


Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.
A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.
A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.
Mercy; clemency.
A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.
A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

 Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.
An excellence or power granted by God.

To give beauty, elegance, or charm to.
So back to the story. I watch this message on Grace. By the end on the 35 minute message I realized I was locking myself and my soul in a prison, especially since Elijah has past. I had been feeling like what did I do to deserve these bad things that have happened to me. I was thinking at this point, I must have made God very disappointed in me  to take my baby away, does God not see how much I love him? So I sit with my ears and heart wide open and listen to what the message is telling me. I realize by the end, I am viewing God in human terms, and forgetting what he had done for me, how he loves me and what he gave up to grant me grace. Then this brings me back to one of the songs that I played for Elijah and now I can’t keep it out of my head. The song is again by Matt Hammitt it is “This Is Grace”. The lyrics read,” The reason for our suffering is to help us realize that in sickness and in death we are helpless without Christ. The reason for our blindness is for Jesus to open our eyes. Bless the lord, Bless the lord. This is grace, this is grace. When we walk through the dark night. This is grace, this is grace. So we wait for the sunrise, how I long for the sunrise. Your glory has always been shinning since the beginning of time. But in the face of darkness, how radiant your light”.  The next verse of the song goes “The ones who are marked by suffering are the ones who have found their joy. To be conquerors in all these things. Struck down but not destroyed”. At the very end of this song Matt sings “I have faith the sun will rise. Bless the lord, bless the lord. I will bless the lord, bless you lord.”
Wow!!! All I can say is, I have been walking through the dark night and I do have so much faith the sun will rise. I cry when I think of this. I will not be destroyed by the lose of our baby. Everyday that passes I see more light, and I think of my little fighter living in peace. I cry happy tears with this thought. I have heard this saying time and time again but realized it fully at this  moment. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. I am living in divine love and protection and I, like my little angle have  gods grace!
Thank you Bubs!!!


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The results

After 48 hours of waiting for the phone call from our genetic counselor Julie, I was on edge. I couldn’t walk away from my phone for fear I would miss the call with the results we had been waiting for. My phone would ring and I would run to it, heart racing and would be disappointed every time it wasn’t from Julie. I was busy telling myself I would wait another 24 hours until I would call, I didn’t want to bother her or seem like the stalker I was. 24 hours past and still nothing I bit the bullet and called, Julie was out of the office, AGHHH “are you kidding me!” I waited another 24 hours and called, this time I was transferred to Julie but she did not pick up, I left a message “Julie this is Tera Farhat, I am wondering if we got the results back yet. Please call and let me know.”. It was three and I was so anxious it was hard to work. I drove home and paced around the living room doing little chores but not wanting to turn on the vacum in case I wouldn’t be able to hear the phone. The phone started to ring, it was a 248 area code….Detroit area…Beaumont!

I remember holding my breath when I picked up the phone, “Hello”, “Hello Tera, this is Julie returning your call, do you have some questions?”, “Hi, do you have the results?” “I called two days ago and left them on your voice mail”, “what! I never got your call, I didn’t leave my phone and I didn’t have a voice mail.” Julie stated the number she called back and it was one digit off of mine, NO WONDER!!!!. “Julie tell me, what are the results!?” “No chromosomal problems, the baby is PERFECT chromosomally!!!” I am instantly sobbing, and saying “Thank you God, thank you” Julie is asking if I’m OK I just state “I am so happy, and relieved!” Julie then says”you didn’t ask the question everyone asks next” I say “I have no idea what to ask I am so thankful for this news” Julie says, “Do you want to know the sex of the baby?” I say “I already know, it’s a girl” Julie said “If I were you I wouldn’t buy any Pink then” I am confused what is she talking about I don’t say anything Julie then says “Tera the baby is a Chromosomal perfect BOY!” I am crying even harder God is so good!!! I tell Julie “Thank You Julie, I need to call Ron” I hang up after saying good bye.

I am crying out loud obnoxious sobs and can’t stop I am pacing back and fourth as I dial Ron, he picks up on the first ring because he has been waiting as well. He hears me crying “oh Tera are you OK, tell me?” I can’t speak, Ron says “Tera please, what?”, I croak it out “The baby is perfect chromosomally!” Ron is confused “why are you crying then?” “because I am so happy, and because the baby is a BOY!” Ron is silent for awhile, then I can hear it in his voice he understands, we are having a chromosomally perfect baby boy! “Are you kidding” he says. “No” I say. I swear I could hear the smile move onto his face. “I love you so much” I say, “I love you too babe” he says. We chit chat a little longer about Julie knowing two days ago and calling the wrong number, and I say I bet God was laughing watching me behave how I have. We hang up and I call my mom, Pat, Wendy, and Cherri, we all cry together and are relieved. I write an email to all the family and friends. Here is the copy of the email I sent out to everyone.

Well this is the news we have been waiting for. The CVS results came back and the baby has no chromosomal malformations their words were “the baby is perfect chromosomal wise!”. This is only the quick test, we still have to wait a full week for all results. Not sure what to say right now except I am rejoicing in Gods gift and love. We are not out of the woods and will now be undergoing many tests on the baby’s Heart, Kidney’s, and Skeleton. I will be having Bi weekly Ultrasounds to check on the Cystic Hygroma and well as the development of our precious baby. At 16 weeks I will have an Ultrasound where they do an Eco-cardiogram of the baby’s heart.

I would like to say thank you to all of our friends and family for your kind words, support and prayer and still ask to keep it coming. I am still praying for healing and health of this amazing baby.  One more small note the baby is a BOY!!!! Prior tests were wrong. Again God is good.

Tera and Ronnie

After I wrote this and sat down by myself, I remember thinking, now for the heart defect. I felt like I knew our baby boy had a heart defect but thought, it can be fixed and all will be good. I of course didn’t know yet, it was just that voice in my head preparing me, for the next trial.

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The test

Back to the story. To remind you, we left off with the threatened miscarriage, and the doctors saying I had to wait a week to test for any chromosomal disorders.

In this week I tried to push fear out of my mind, which was not easy for myself. I prayed all the time that god would know my heart and know what I could handle. I thought about raising a baby with a disability while being the mom to four other children and working. I asked if God would give the strength to handle this if it were the case. I asked for the weight on my heart to be eased. I asked to listen to Ron’s heart, I asked for God’s will, I asked for God’s favor. I prayed for strength. I thanked God for the life I had, for my family, for the kids, for Ron, for my friends. You name it I thanked god for it, for my job, our house, my health, the trees, our dog, the birds, the sun, and the rain. I had a busy week of praying and little sleep.

The morning of the test and Ron took off work to go with me. The night before the appointment Ron went to basketball and came home hardly being able to walk. He limped into the house with a very swollen ankle, just our luck. Since he took off and the appointment wasn’t until 11am we took the kids to school and you guessed it went back in the the emergency room. After a couple hours, x-rays, exams on Ron, and for myself more puke and morning sickness we were off to the other part of the hospital. One of us walking, and one of us on crutches with a severely sprained ankle. When we walked in for the appointment my stomach was filled with butterflies. We were again placed it the little dark room with a TV on the wall. Ron was given a chair to put his foot up on and I was asked to change into a hospital gown and climb on the ultrasound table. The ultrasound technician scanned my belly and there she was our girl with her heart beating and moving all over. Ron again asking “can you tell the sex”, the technician  answering him “not yet”. The doctor came in and took a very large needle and put it into my placenta to take tissue to be tested. It was very uncomfortable and I remember being able to see the process on the TV screen on the wall and feeling just a hard pinching feeling that I couldn’t squirm away from. I also remember praying please let our baby be OK please God. Finally the test was done, and we were told we should get the early results in 2-4 days depending on how the culture grew.

Just what I always love to hear more waiting.

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Mother’s Day

Here I am sitting Indian Style on my bed writing about my mother’s day this year. I know many were thinking of me today and how would I handle this mother’s day? The truth is I am still a mother and have been for almost twelve amazing years, I have 4 children that are happy, healthy, thriving, and 1 that isn’t.  Though it hasn’t even been two weeks since we lost Elijah and it is still overwhelming sad, I am proud of the mother I am. I am even more proud of the moms around me who give me strength to be the person I am. First off my own mom Charlene, it was long ago when I use to say all I wanted to be when I grew up was to be a mom. This is because I had a blessed childhood, my mom loved me and made me feel safe, she taught me how to nurture and love my own babies. When I watched my mom I thought “yes” I think this looks great! I want to do the same thing, go on field trips, bake cookies, sing to Neil Diamond, go to ever sporting event, sit on the couch holding my kids to my side and them feeling safe and loved. Second to my sister Wendy, I see another amazing mom. Wendy is the mom that gives her children wings. She holds them in her nest and when it is time she lets them fly. Some of her children have been in the nest longer and some are explorers. Wendy holds them when needed and is loving, and kind, she lets them make decisions on their own, and explore who they are, she gives them enough knowledge and lets them choose. Wendy you teach me how to let go of everything and let my kids explore. Next is my Grandma, it is funny when you think of your grandma’s or at least when I think of my Grandma Parry, I think I have learned so many life lessons from this woman. I look at her and I see the pillar of our family. I see how she loves us so unconditionally, how she is a faithful woman and how she has taught her family this through stories. Some of these stories are of her youth, some of my dad, uncle, and aunts youth, some of my youth with my cousins, and some are bible stories. My grandma can tell the best stories I have ever heard and at 91 years of age still keeps me captivated with her life lessons. These three woman made me the woman and mother I am today. Of course I am surrounded by so many other special woman who may fill in a missing piece of me, but the majority of the work can from them. So as far as I’m concerned I am not letting a mother’s day go without feeling like I am teaching my own daughters how to become amazing mother’s, even with sadness. So today we played, we prayed, we danced, we sang, we did somersaults, we ate, we hugged and kissed, exchanged “I love you’s”, and had a great day together.

I did however have a part of my day that was dedicated to Jesus. In the middle of mother’s day brunch I went and told Ron I want to go to church he said OK and off we went. As the lights went low and the band started to play these lyrics where sang over us and they instantly brought tears and the lump in my throat. The lyrics were “I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved. I will follow you, I will follow you, I will follow you”. These words spoke to where I stand with God. I was feeling lost and needed to be rescued and still need this. I tried to sing these words out to Jesus but every time I started my lump would not allow music to come from my mouth, it was more like a cracked voice crying out, the tears steadily flowed from my eyes and I didn’t even care who saw. My heart was crying out and being spoke to at the same time. Next Steve our Pastor is teaching of the book of Ruth, seems fitting since this is my grandma’s name. He teaches us how God wants us to take INITIATION (recognize appropriate opportunities and proceed with Faith). Next Steve teaches on COURAGE (Put your full confidence in God). Then on LOVING KINDNESS (be loving and kind towards others). Lastly the lesson was on INTEGRITY (Demonstrate integrity). I think to myself we did this through out experience with Elijah and I feel relief. This gives me the strength to go and be the mom I was made to be and feel blessed again, even though sadness came and went today, I remembered how blessed I am. Thank you Jesus for coming to my rescue, I will follow you!


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Fear or Hope.

After the shock of what was discovered on Halloween, I went home and prayed all night. I looked up bible versus, I did not sleep, I pleaded and a calm finally came. I remember my grandma Parry again telling me a story about living in fear. My grandpa was gone and she was home with my Aunt Camille, and she thought someone was breaking into their home. She was frozen with fear, but she prayed a simply prayer, “When I am afraid, I will trust” she prayed this simple prayer all night and made it through the night safe from harm. I kept thinking of this simple story and little but dynamic prayer that night. I lay awake in bed and prayed and prayed. The sun came up and I had a renewed strength, I took the kids to school and went to work, I had decided to give my fear to God and trust that God had a plan for our life. My day went on I wasn’t obsessed thinking about the Cystic Hygroma on our baby and what this meant. I picked the kids up from school and came home to start dinner.

I was in the kitchen when Ron walked through the door. I think he was shocked to see I wasn’t crying and I was making dinner. I chit chatted with him and then went into the bathroom. The kids were outside playing and Ron was sitting on the couch, when I yelled for him. I am bleeding all over “Ron come quick I am miscarrying the baby”. He comes in and seems to not know what to say or do. I am not cramping I am just covered in bright red blood. I say get the kids and I will call out neighbor Angie to see if she can keep them while we go to the hospital. I call Angie they aren’t home, I call Mary Jo next, she says bring them over. We pile the kids in the car without telling them too much. Just that something may be wrong with the baby in my stomach. I dial Dr Maser and tell him we are headed to the hospital.

I call my Mom and Pat, I remember Pat saying maybe this is God’s way of making this easier. I am feeling very much similar in my thoughts. God knows the baby is sick and he calling her home. I have a calm feeling, I am not scared, I am trusting God and his decisions. Ron drops me at the door and I go to the desk and explain I am miscarrying and I am 12 weeks along. Ron finds me and I am sitting in triage, as we are sitting I feel another warm gush of blood coming from me, I am calm still. I pray “God I am trusting you”.

6 hours later after, no sleep, ultrasounds, exams, and throwing up,  we walk out of the hospital. I am still pregnant. I show no signs of miscarriage. In ultrasound the technician is quite to start, but by the end she is showing me our baby, telling me everything looked ok to her but the doctor had to read it to verify her findings. It is the first time Ron has seen our baby and in that moment I could see him fall in love. He asks the technician if she can tell the sex of the baby, she says no “I laugh”. The sack is intact, I am not dilated, the baby had a strong heartbeat, they don’t know how to explain all the blood except to say it could have been a cyst that burst or a blood vessel. I am not sure how to feel, Yes I am tired, and hungry, but emotionally what is it I feel? I am not relieved, I still an carrying a baby that has something wrong, but I am not upset I didn’t miscarry. I think God knows what he is doing and I am trusting. I speak my grandma’s prayer again several times that night.

Ron and I drop into bed and before my head hits the pillow I am asleep, It had been over 48 hours since I had slept and my body was not giving me a choice. I woke up the next day and was told to stay in bed for a few days and call my Doctor. We were scheduled the next morning for our CVS but when they heard about the night in the ER with a threatened miscarriage they reschedule our appointment for a week later due to the risks involved. We have to wait a week I try to talk them into the test, I say I understand the risks but I am no good at waiting, they don’t care.

I think back on this day a lot now that we know what happened and I question. Why didn’t God take Elijah this night? Why was I to carry and fall more in love by the day with him, only to have him be taken so quickly? What was my lesson? Why? I don’t understand?

The only thing I come back too, time, and time again is that Elijah was brought to earth to unite us in Love and Compassion, this brings me the only full peace I have felt.


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Halloween morning I woke up and was excited! First off it was the perfect fall day low 60’s temperature, parties at school, Halloween costumes, parades, and lots of candy. To kick it all off I had my 11 week ultrasound scheduled at 10:30am. I dropped the kids off at school and drove to Lansing, working on my way to town. I wore a simple black pencil skirt that I had just finally had to buy a size bigger to encompass my growing belly, and a black and white blouse, I had on my signature black knee high boots and if I hadn’t told you I was pregnant you would have never known. I had spent Sunday making fudge for the doctors office, and had placed in a ghost cookie jar. I always love to treat the office to a little gift to brighten their day as well. I had asked if Pat (my mother in law) wanted to join me and she was so excited until she realized she had a case of the shingles and shouldn’t be around me, so I was on my own. I pulled into the office talking to Wendy (my sister) on the phone. I told her I was at the office and I would call when I was done.

I walked in and happily handed the jar of peanut butter fudge to Cindy. Ultrasound called me back right away and took me in the dark room. I laid on the bed and pulled up my blouse, I tucked a towel into my skirt, and the technician squirted warm jelly on my expanding belly. We were talking and I told her how I knew the baby was a girl from the gender test, she smiled never believing for a moment it was accurate. She scanned and measured, and scanned some more, she grew quite. She said I will be right back, she left the room for about 5 minutes and I lay there thinking of our new baby girl. The technician came back in and kept measuring but not really responding as I babbled on. Now I think I was such a fool rambling on and on. She told me I was done and put me in the “room” this is a room I had never been put in before. The room sits in the middle of the practice and has a bed but doesn’t have much room for examination (in time I came to hate this dreaded room it is the bad news for Tera room). She had me sit, typically Lisa would come in and take my blood pressure and ask me some basic question but not this day. Today Dr Maser walks in and he is carrying his lap top with him, he says it “Tera the baby has something called a Cystic Hygroma, it is a sac of fluid on the baby that travels from the top of the head to the middle of the back, babies with Cystic Hygroma’s have a high risk of Down Syndrome, Turners Syndrome” Dr Maser names many other syndromes, and disorders that are to many to name.  Everything becomes fuzzy I can’t really hear the doctor anymore, I am in shock!!!! I remember Dr Maser showing me the ultrasound asking questions like if I had any viruses during the pregnancy, I say “I don’t know I am sick all the time throwing up yes some days are worst than others, but I don’t know”. I am in shock I need Ron, where is he, I am alone what do I do, I am scared, why is this happening! Dr Maser has Cindy his wife walk me to the back where they draw a lot of blood for more testing. I cry on Cindy’s shoulder I remember this. Dr Maser  is calling to find out where to send me for the first appointment for a CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) this is chromosomal testing on my placenta. Not many doctors do this procedure because there is a high risk involved with miscarriage. He gets me two appointments one in Grand Rapids or one in Royal Oak for the end of the week. Dr Maser knows me and knows I need to find out what is happening as fast as possible. I don’t remember much else at the office the next thing I remember is calling Ron in the car.

I can hardly speak I am sobbing “Ron something is wrong with the baby” is all I can choke out, I am heaving in the car sitting in the parking lot. I don’t even know what Ron says. All I remember now is I am sitting in Pat and Ron’s house, Ron Sr is holding me and I can’t speak just sobs, into him. He says “Tera what, what is wrong” I choke it out again “Something is wrong with the baby” “she isn’t going to make it, if she survives the Cystic Hygroma she will have something major wrong, Oh God, Please”. We talk about the diagnosis and they give me a large fruit bouquet,  with a card saying congratulations because no one thought this would happen.

I am driving home, I call my mom. I need my mom, she isn’t there. I tell my dad but he doesn’t totally understand. I talk to Wendy, I talk to Shannon, I am in shock still. I am crying I am pleading with God the whole way home, please God let the Cystic Hygroma dissolve, Please let our baby be ok, I will do anything please. I get home and Ron is here I cry and explain what I know and he holds me, he tells me it will all be fine, he knows it the baby is going to be alright. He tells me to wait to get the test results, he holds me.

We go to the school for the Halloween parade. I have swollen red eyes and I have to smile and act like all is fine, when inside I am screaming for help and understanding. I have never felt so scared in my life, so helpless, so confused. I have done everything perfect to prepare, I took the vitamins, folic acid, I don’t drink, or smoke, I don’t take any medicine, why is this happening? We make it through the Halloween activities and for the first time since the year Mike and I separated I cried on Halloween. Ron takes the kids trick or treating while I sit in shock with Mary Jo. I am still sick, I want to cry but all I can say is I am in shock.

This is a copy of the email I sent to close friends and family the day after finding out about the Cystic Hygroma.

Dear friends and family,

Here is the news if you don’t already know. Ron and I are pregnant I am and 11 weeks 5 days along, and it’s a girl. On Monday I went for an ultra sound and got some horrible news. The baby while growing and moving like crazy had something wrong. She has something called a Cystic Hygroma, this is a fluid filled sack that sits from the middle of her head down to the end of the spinal cord. I was told this is very bad news, baby’s with this cyst are at a 50% chance of having a lethal chromosomal disorder, a 20% chance of having a lethal heart defect, and a 20% chance of having Kidney or skeletal disorder, many lethal. What this means we are at a 10% chance of having a healthy baby with out issues. If you google cystic hygroma, it’s a wealth of horrible news. I would like to hold onto the 10% hope for having the cyst dissolve and all turning out fine in the end. On Tuesday I will be going in for CVS which is chromosomal testing and once we have those results we will know where to head.

Why I am telling you? I am asking our family and friends to pray with everything you have for healing. And if not for healing for strength and God’s will.

Love Tera

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Boy or Girl???

As I have stated in the past Ron wants a baby boy so bad after already having the perfect little strong girl (Lexi), also he is so out number by girls in the house. Ron, Carter and Izzo (the dog, who can’t talk no matter how hard he tries) stand alone against myself, Lexi, Paige, and Ryan. They are out numbered to the max, this is a house of strong females who fight for themselves and don’t let things go, we are emotional, we cry, we fight, we argue, we fight for our right for expression, we sing, we dance, and we shop! I have the typical talk with Ron about “what if the baby is a girl?” he says in response “I will accept it and love her, I just might mourn for a little while” I laugh and say a little prayer to myself “please let the baby be a little boy who is happy and healthy”. Though I feel I know the baby is a boy, in my heart.

I have heard about many claims of tests out there that will tell the baby’s gender early. I researched many but do not find any that seem accurate, or make much scientific sense. Finally my cousin Shannon points me in the direction of one that is quite expensive but does have a good accuracy rate, and makes sense scientifically, plus there is a money back guarantee. This test is a blood test that the mom takes between 9 and 12 weeks gestation and it looks for Y chromosomes in the blood.  Also if you know me well you know I hate surprises, I love to be prepared. I use to sneak into all my birthday presents and became an expert at being a snoop for any surprises that happened in our house or anyone else. My brother taught me tricks at a very young age on how to master the unwrap and re wrap of presents, or where to look for hiding spots. To wait one more or even eight more weeks to find out the gender of our baby was killing me so I sent away for the test, over night shipping of course.

It was the middle of October and Paige happened to be home sick from school, while we were still discovering what was wrong with our little red head, the test came in the mail. I opened the test read the directions and started it. It took so much blood I had to keep poking my fingers over and over to get enough blood, finally I was done and Paige kept asking me “mommy why are you making yourself bleed all over”, I just laughed and said because “I have no patience Paigie”. We went to the post office and sent the test in, now only 48 hours until we find out!!!!

2 days later actually 53 hours later at 9pm I checked my email (I opted for the email verion so the results would come faster) and I read….It’s a GIRL!!!!!  OMG I am reading this out loud and it hit my brain seconds before I spoke the words to Ron…”it’s a GIRL” Silence. All I can say is “Sorry honey” I want to cry because I am still happy we are having a girl baby. I get up off the couch and go upstairs where I call Wendy, Mom, and Pat and tell them. The baby is a girl and her name will be Veronica Jo (Ronnie) they are all happy for me. I am feeling upset by this point that Ron is not happy. He comes up to bed after 2 hours and lays next to me where I can’t look at him let alone speak to him. He says “I just needed a minute to digest” still I am silent he says I guess I make girls. Still nothing from me except tears are streaming down my face. He says “Tera why are you crying?” I think really he is asking me this???? I finally say through a cracking voice because” God gave us a girl and you don’t love her, all you should care about is a healthy baby” Ron says “I don’t care the sex Tera I do love this baby boy or girl and pray for it’s health all the time” He is now hugging and comforting me and I realize I was just scared he wasn’t going to love her for being a girl and that was just ridiculous. Ron has a heart that not many see and he puts on a big front but he is one of the most careful, sensitive, loving men I have ever witnessed and I feel safe in his arms he holding me. I say “I named her already” and he said “what did you name her” and I say “after both of her parents  Veronica Jo nick name Ronnie” I know this is the perfect name for our baby girl.

We fall asleep together and dream of a baby boy, with dark hair.

Tell Me Pink or Blue?
Dear Tera Farhat,Congratulations!

Based on our Pink or Blue® test results, we are pleased to inform you that you’ll be having a baby …


We would like to thank you for using our Pink or Blue® Early Gender Test and hope this experience has brought you joy. Every Pink or Blue® DNA Test result carries a 95% accuracy rate and a money-back guarantee. If you have any additional questions or comments, please feel free to contact us.


Customer Care Center

Consumer Genetics, Inc.
Toll Free: 1-866-694-2878
International: 1-408-734-2229
Fax: 1-408-734-2221


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Nine weeks or maybe 8?

It is time to schedule my first prenatal appointment. I have my long term doctor and office that I love, Dr. Michael Maser from A New Beginning. Dr Maser has delivered all of my other kids and has always taken care of my health. In May I went to doctor Maser and told him Ron and I were ready to start a family and I wanted to be at my best health for this, so Dr Maser started me on prenatal vitamins and folic acid. I have always understood the importance of getting your body ready to carry a precious baby inside of you and nourish a life from the very start. Ron and myself were getting married June 7th and we wanted to start trying after our wedding reception in August, this gave me a few months head start of vitamins and supplements. I cut out pop, coffee, ate a healthy diet, and exercised in preparation. 

If you have been around me while I have been pregnant in the past you know I have a hard time. I throw up from week 8 until after I deliver the baby. I am put on Zofran an anti nausea medication that was created for cancer patients. I told Ronnie, and family about this before I was pregnant but I don’t think they understood until they were living with me. I was constantly hugging the toilet bowl, traveling with a zip lock bag, or sleeping with a bowl.  I don’t mind it’s who I am and I know what I get in the end, it is so worth it to me!

I head into the office with a box of cookies for the staff, I say Hi to Cindy at the desk and Dr Maser’s wife and I am so excited to be heading down this path again. Lisa, Dr Maser’s medical assistant calls be back and it is one of those time I don’t mind getting weighed. We sit down in a room together and she talks to me about the pregnancy and we share a smile over this. Dr Maser steps in and says in perfect form “you did it again” we both laugh. We go over my past medical history and I talk him into a quick ultrasound. Dr Maser walks me into the darkened room where they do ultrasounds, we will figure out my due date. Because of stress over the summer through early August I have not been regular so it is hard to say what my due date was.

I am wearing my suit for work, the room is dark, I pull up my blouse to expose my belly, the scan starts. A moment later there he is, a little baby with a beating heart! It is real I see him on the screen, I can’t tell yet my stomach is not bulging, I can not feel him, I have only just started to feel queasy. I immediately  feel the sting of tears that prick my eyes, I have the lump in my throat. I am in love instantly, I feel the hopes and dreams for the future, I see kids playing at the beach. Then I notice, Dr Maser is very quite then asks me when my last cycle was and when I got a positive pregnancy test. I am alarmed, I see a heart beat why are we asking these questions again? I tell him and he says the baby is measuring a little smaller than he should be, and sets my due date a week later from May 12th 2012 to May 19th 2012, he doesn’t seem overly concerned. I am instantly scared and I tell no one. I think to myself, I have big babies, not small and I know all the dates and times when I could have conceived (yes I do have a little type A personality in me). I already sense this will not be a normal pregnancy something in my soul is speaking to me, I try to push it away but it wont go, living down deep inside, I am scared! I pray dear God please let my baby be OK.

I step out of the office, and call Ron.


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From the Beginning

I often think about Elijah’s story and from the beginning I know it has always been full of ups and downs, twists and turns. I felt as though I might go back and write my way through his story. Feel free to keep following or to stop, I am writing for myself in hopes of healing.

Tuesday September 13, 2011

I wake up early around 6am to go to the bathroom, I am suspicious I may be pregnant because I am a week late, but I have taken pregnancy test after pregnacy test, I am now on # 5 this morning (without a positive result) but I take the test anyways. I set the stick on the sink and go to feed the dog and let him out. I start to head upstairs to lay back down with Ron, it has been a long couple of days Ron’s Nunu isn’t doing very well and we had been in Lansing for a long weekend to see Nunu and family. I then remember the stick in the bathroom I go in and look at it, this time I see a faint second line. I turn on the light and go by the window where the sun is coming up, yes I see the pale line showing up! I have a nervous stomach instantly, it has been 6 years since I’ve been pregnant and I feel nervous, excited, and eleated! I go up to our bed where I climd on Ron. I am stradling him and kiss his face, “honey you are going to be a daddy” I say as I kiss him awake. He smiles and seems a little in shock “It better be a boy” he states. I say “it is a boy, I know it, he better be healthy and happy”. Ron rolls me over and we stay laying together, me tucked into his side. We both are in silent contemplation, realizing our lives are about to change for the better. Ron is holding me and I can feel him breath, feel his heart and I feel safe and loved. The kids start rumbling about downstairs and I am up and kiss Ron and go to do breakfast, comb hair, pack lunches, and backpacks.

I am in the kitchen working on lunches when Ron comes in with red eyes, I think for just a moment “what is wrong?” I realize Nunu has passed. Ron said “My Nunu died this morning that was my mom, he went peacefully and even kissed my Nana before he let go, mom was there.” I hug Ron and think, how can we go from getting such wonderful exciting news to such sad news in 10 minutes? I then think, I know this baby is a boy for sure now and he will be guided by his great Nunu. I hold Ron as he cries and Ryan comes in and sees Ron crying and she hugs his legs with sorrow for Ronnie hurting. Ron and I are now in private and he states “he doesn’t want to tell anyone we are going to have a baby until later so everyone can celebrate his Nunu’s life and mourn properly”, I say “ok”.

It is hard in the Celentino family to hide pregnancy because everyone sees everything. This is a group of 4 older sisters and 2 younger brothers, and all are extremly intelligent, highly educated, very intuitive people. I am going to have to be very good to keep this a secret. The party starts and we don’t just mourn and grieve the loss of our “head of the board” we also celebrate an amazing long life. We have a get together at Suzie’s and their are great memory’s being shared, pictures being passed, as well as wine and shots. Which in this family only makes sense because Nunu was the long time owner of a local restraunt and bar. I keep turning down the, wine, and shots as they pass by me, everyone is asking “why isn’t Tera drinking?” I just say “I have to drive back to Royal Oak and so, no I can’t have any”. We are dancing to “we are family” and singing. Kavi turns and whispers in my ear “no even a sip?” I respond “No” she says “your pregnant” I say “yes, but it is not the right time to tell” she understands.

We have Nunu’s funeral the next day and are surrounded by our amazing family and friends and still keep our precious little secrect between us (also now Kavi 🙂


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Help needed

Hi everyone I am writing this email to gain support for another little warrior. Reed Anderson was born at 25 weeks gestation and has been in the hospital since. He has been a true warrior fighting daily to gain weight so he can go home with his parents. Reed is up to over 4lbs now, but is currently having a set back with stomach issues. If everyone could lift little Reed up in prayer, our family would greatly appreciating helping another little fighter in their war.

We were back to reality this weekend, having the girls dance recital yesterday, and then having dinner out with my parents, Wendy and Alex. We went to church today and we were able to thank many of our prayer warriors in person. Tears were shed, hugs handed out freely, love was felt. My mom packed up all Elijah’s unworn clothing for me to take back and I finally unpacked many hospital bags. We had a cookout with our best friends in Royal Oak and watched the 9 combined kids jump on the trampoline, play basketball, barbies, and EAT!! We were able to laugh and not have over whelming grief. As I write this and say how life is getting back to normal I can’t help but feel guilt. I am not sure if this is a normal result of loss but, I feel guilty that life moves on so fast, that I should have done something different, that I smiled and laughed when only last Sunday our baby was still here and I was kissing him, singing, and talking to my little man. I know it sounds ridiculous that I say I feel guilt, but I do, and I know one day I wont.

Here are some pictures from the Dancers!!!!



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