Stella Grace

I have made it to the 2nd trimester, the so called trimester to “enjoy and relax”. That is what all the books and websites say at least. For me the 2nd trimester is still accompanied by the never ending nausea, throwing up, massive headaches, and heart burn already. The part of the second trimester that I love is the peace of mind with test results coming back good for our baby girl so far, the anticipation and joy I get when I can feel our little miracle move inside me, my swelling stomach that is becoming more defined and not just making me look heavy.

We have picked out a name for our daughter. After thinking about the names Hope, Faith, Delilah, and Veronica we have come up with a name that encompasses where we are at in our life and journey. We have decided to name our daughter Stella Grace. Stella means star and  Grace  means favor, blessing, A virtue name referring to God’s grace. I think we all can see why this means so much. I feel as though God has given me the favor or blessing of another little star, with his never ending love for us.

We have our very own shinning little blessing growing inside of me and I can feels God’s favor everyday.

I have been thinking about Elijah a lot in the past few days, this is not new as I have never went for a day without thinking of this amazing little man. However what is different is the sadness it has brought me over the last two days. I sit back and wonder what is different? What is triggering this grief? Is it carrying Stella, is it the births of several friends babies? I realize it is just life and mourning. My friend Sarah had their baby boy last week after having a baby with HLHS, who fought his fight and made it through. She sent me a text that said “She forgot how easy it all can be 😉 Can’t wait for you to have the same experience”. I know with God’s favor this will happen, however it doesn’t change the fact that I would have fought to the end for Elijah. I’m hoping with this entry to the blog I can move forward and know my feeling are valid and just.

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The month of excitment!

Well August started with a bang! Carter started football 5 days a week, I started a new job, family vacation, and a new life was growing and I didn’t even know yet. We were on our family vacation with all the kids and Ron’s family when I had the first “sign”. It wasn’t that I was late or anything was wrong it was an app I had on my phone. I downloaded a few months earlier while playing with the girls at my friend Mary Jo’s house it’s called “I Predict”. We the family and I were all having it read our fortunes, the phone was passed to me from Lexi and I tapped it and read “You’re pregnant. Congratulations!” I though wow maybe I am and everything started to feel different. I showed Ron, the kids, Pat, Cherri, I texted it to Mary Jo. I thought, I am! Also I though and this baby is stuck good after all the roller coasters I had rode two days prior 🙂

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It was just two weeks after our vacation ended that I took the pregnancy test. Ron had asked me not to because he said I was just wasting one. However I waited until the next morning and I was right. Within 30 seconds I saw the word “pregnant”!!!! I called Ron at work and he didn’t believe me so I sent the picture of the pregnancy test. He said It’s a girl, I know it! Guess what he was right!!!!!

We are expecting a GIRL!

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Good News

It is with a heart filled with hope, happiness, and faith that I write this blog. After a hard fought year I am bursting at the seams to announce we will be adding a new family member to our clan. Ron and I are expecting a new baby is early spring!!!!

I have wanted to share this news for weeks now but decided to wait until we went through some very extensive testing first. I am now able to say, I am through my first trimester and after many tests we are having a healthy baby, as of now. We will still have thorough  heart testing (fetal echo)on the baby at 20 weeks, but are filled with faith that all will great!

This pregnancy has not only filled us with hope and  happiness, it has also brought fear and sleepless nights. It is hard to describe the difference in this pregnancy after suffering through such a great loss, but I can say it is something I have never felt before. Daily I work on surrendering my fear and ask instead to be filled with faith and grace. I pray for health, and happiness, I pray for Elijah to know he is always with me, I pray and pray. I lay in bed and pray until it is the last thing I remember before sleep pulls me under. I sit here and write with the desire to say to all those who have lost a child, weather it was a miscarriage, still birth, or illness how brave you all are. I had no idea how it would feel to carry a baby again after our loss of Elijah, the fear being so mixed with joy. Also grieving in a time when you are typically so elated, such a bag of mixed emotions. Thank God, for our amazing support team of family, friends, and our medical team.

Here we go with a blog that is going to change gears and follow the pregnancy of our new fighter after the loss of our greatest and strongest fighter Elijah. I know we have the perfect little angel taking care of us!

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He’s my son

Just over 11 years ago I was introduced to a song while it played at the first birthday party of Drew. This song was moving and even all those years ago brought an instant lump in my throat.

Drew Michael Vandlen on ECMO after his surgery August 2000

Back ground on Drew, he was the first experience I ever had with a congenital heart defect. Drew was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries. This is a defect where  the two main arteries going out of the heart—the pulmonary artery and the aorta—are switched in position, or “transposed”.  Meaning, too little oxygen is in the blood that is pumped from the heart to the rest of the body. When Drew was born it was unknown that he suffered from this defect and was a just a couple days old that he was transported to U of M Motts Children’s Hospital to undergo his life saving heart surgery.

Drew with his friend Pooh

I remember this time very clearly as I had just had my first son Carter and was pregnant at the same time as Jen even sharing our baby shower for the boys. Carter however was born in June and Drew was born in August. I remember hearing the news of Drew’s birth for the first time and immediately feeling guilt over having a perfect baby while Jen and Tim, two of the greatest followers of Christ were in turmoil. Fighting for the life of their first born child. I remember going to the Hospital in Grand Rapids to see the family before Drew was transferred and my heart breaking for what was such a life changing moment in their life. Yes it was life changing in many ways having a child, then the fear of losing a child, the questions etc.

Handsome Drew

I was sitting in the position you all are sitting for Ron, myself, Eli and our family. Waiting to hear anything, praying for healing, and strength, questioning why. I remember clearly checking my email on the hour waiting for the coveted email to come from Tim, or anyone. Crying when I read of the struggles, for Drew, Jen and Tim. Looking for the tiny piece of good news to cling to.

After a long stay and many complications Drew did make it home! It was Thanksgiving and our family was together and we prayed and gave thanks for Gods love for Drew, I remember the knot again in my throat as I held Carter on my lap. It was beyond my comprehension at the time.

Drew on far Left, Jacob Center, Carter Right. The boys celebrate three years old!

One miracle year later, around 50 people or more, had joined to again give thanks for Drew and celebrate his life. Tim is also a great photographer and videographer capturing ever moment of Drew’s journey he could and cutting it together to remind us how far Drew had come. The lights were dim and again Carter sit on my lap as the song “He’s my son: by Mark Schultz started to play with the first beautiful images of Drew and his heart journey. The song starts “Down on my knees again tonight, hoping this prayer will turn out right. See there is a boy that needs your help, I’ve done all that I can do myself. His mother is tired, I’m sure you can understand. Each night as he sleeps she goes into hold his hand, and she tries not to cry, as the tears fill her eyes. Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight? Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright? You can hear me, let me take his place somehow see he’s not just anyone he’s my son.”

Yesterday I sat in my car and this song came on. How to describe this moment? Thinking hard, wonder, hearing the pain that comes with these words and knowing how I did this very thing just under 6 months ago. I was in a different place in my soul, when I realized I was singing every word of this song. The song was in the 2nd verse where it says “Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep, I dream of the boy he’d like to be. I try to be strong and see him through, God who he needs right now is you. Let him grow old. Live life without this fear. What would I be, living without him here? He’s so tired, and he’s scared, let him know that your there.” We all know these were the very prayers I cried out throughout my pregnancy and Eli’s Life.

I was jolted awake last night at 1:03am as I realized I had to write about this today when I woke. I lay restless thinking of all I wanted to say, I remember looking at the clock last at 3:48am. Not believing I had stayed awake so long and thinking of all I wish I could share and knowing there was no possible way to put it all down.

12 years ago I thought about how frightening it would be to be is that situation, and thought I don’t have the strength to do what Jen and Tim did. Today I know that I am provided with everything I need in every situation by our heavenly father. The last verse of the song says “Can you hear me? Can you see him? Please don’t leave him, he’s my son” I think not only have I suffered but truly so many others have suffered losing, or having a sick child, and no one knows better than God, and his sacrifices.

Look at Drew NOW!!!

Grieving still goes on, I know it will never cease fully. When it comes I embrace it and the feeling. When it goes I am left with peace.

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Sweet Paige

You’ve guessed it right it is another Birthday week in our home and this time it is for our sweet Paige. If you know Paige you know we are not kidding when we call her that. She has the nicest, sweetest, loving heart I have ever know. She is rarely upset and just loves with such ease. She sees the good in everyone and it is very rare that Paige is in trouble or making pore choices she is just “pure” it the best way to put it. She loves to hug and give kisses, she holds your hand, cuddles on the couch, just is always loving. When I look back at Paige I can’t help but think if her loving nature is from her early struggles when she was brought into the world. Paige was a preemie, and a sick one at that. She was delivered at Ingham and transported at just hours old to Sparrow where she was put in the NICU. She had to be put on a ventilator for immature lungs, and given a chest tube from her body being under too much stress, she then got pneumonia. It was the first time in my life that true fear was a part. I prayed much like I did with Elijah for Paige, I cried, I begged and pleaded and I was heard. My little fighter Paige made it through with grace.

Looking back at Paige as a baby she was always sweet and loving she just sat sucking that binkie of hers with her glow of red hair. She was in awe of her brother and found out how to keep up with him very young. However Paige as a toddler was somewhat different, she was always sweet as can be but she became an explorer. She was curious and was always into things, she could climb like you wouldn’t believe and I many times found her in the top of the bathroom pantry or stuck somewhere because she figured out how to get in and couldn’t figure how to get out. She would not stay in her bed and every night you would hear the pitter patter of Paige making her way out of her bed and down the hall to our room. It was at this time she would crawl into our bed and sing to us. She loved singing Bushel and a peck, or Baby bumble bee. Paige was my child who would wander off on more than one occasion and  I would find myself in another absolute nightmare, both times at our neighbors visiting. However you would turn around for a second and this little girl would be gone. At my parents pool she would wander in with no adults in the water and just go right under with no fear she would look up at you while you were freaking out and just stare, when you pulled her up she wouldn’t cry or even fuss she would just look for the opportunity ti do it again, my first grey hair came then as well as more nightmares. Now to see her you would never imagine that out of her.

If you look at Paige now this would not seem possible, she now is a pleaser. She has amazing grades and does tremendous in school, she takes the laid back approach with her friends and can typically find a solution to conflict.She stays close to myself or the adults and always checks in and then goes back to playing. Paige is also the child that has gotten two concussions, broke her arm, suffers from a rare hemangioma disorder, and was diagnosed with Crohns Disease last year. She has faced a lot in her 9 years on this earth. She is a fighter and warrior when needs be, she is an explorer when learning, and she is grace. Paige knows she is loved by God and her family and friends and in exchange is able to be the best example of unconditional love I have seen on earth. Paige is the perfect example of love, faith and hope!

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Ryan Mae

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Here I sit at the computer for a second time in one week, but this time it is about my amazingly beautiful little girl Ryan Mae! It is Ryan’s 7th birthday and I think back to all those years ago when my little blonde baby girl made her appearance in this world. She was born in the middle of the day and she was perfect, no complications just pure bliss. She was 6lbs 7oz and 21 inches long and the picture of a healthy baby unlike any baby I have ever had. She was wheeled out of the delivery room to our family who was waiting for her…My mom, dad, Aunt Wendy, Aunt Leanne, Uncle Mike, and of course Carter, and Paige. We were all instantly is love!Image

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Ryan is a spunky little girl who is full of life. She loves to sing and dance and is always asking me to dance with her (like mother like daughter). Ryan is strong!!! I mean this in every way, she is strong willed, strong hearted, strong tempered. She lives her life full of passion! She lets you know when she is happy, when she is sad or even when she is tired. Ryan can communicate like no other child I know. She started talking in complete and precise sentences very young and she hasn’t stopped. She is helpful, a hard worker, loves to play with the boys outside, or play house with the girls. You will notice Ryan is always the mommy at house as she loves to nurture and love those around her or maybe it because she loves to have authority…haha. When we found out we were going to have a baby Ryan was so excited maybe the most excited if I dare say. Ryan would kiss my belly everyday she got out of her class at school and say Hi Eli. She was always singing to my belly and rubbing or talking to E. So for Christmas my mom bought Ryan an American girl doll while I was pregnant and she ordered it to look just like what Elijah looked like, she loved this baby boy doll like it was her very own, changing his diapers, feeding him, reading to him, loving on him, and sleeping with him. So it was to no surprise what an amazing big sister Ryan turned out to be for Elijah. She was nervous at first about being the big sister and asked for us to be patient because she was “new at this big sister thing”. But it only took minutes for Ryan to see her brother and fall in complete love with him. She went home and continued to pray for E. She prayed for him to get better, and to hold him, she asked God to take care of him. When she would come and visit she was never intimidated by the machines working on Elijah she would just march right in and pull up a chair to stand on. She kissed his hands, his feet and his head, she sang to him and she talked to him. She wanted to hold him and see him and always felt it unjust if a grandparent got to go in and she didn’t “it was her brother” she would state. When Eli passed she was broken hearted like us. She stills cries about missing her brother at least a couple times a month.

In telling about Ryan I hope you can see what a truly awesome little girl we have. She is full of spunk, full of love and full of life. Happy 7th birthday Ryan, mommy is so proud of who you are!!!!

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The butterfly

Here I am at my keyboard and I want to share and I am unsure of where to start. Summer is over school has started, the kids are gone and I am here all day with Izzo our special dog laying at my feet. It has been so long since I wrote I am unsure where to start but I was instructed to put my feelings down because it helps so much to look at things and my emotions for what they are. It has been a summer of healing, growth, love, strength, happiness, and still the feeling of loss but closely followed by the feeling of hope. The family has had the opportunity to travel and spend a lot of time together. We have enjoyed time with each other and also time with our close friends. I have a story I haven’t shared fully with many people and I always told Lexi I would share it, so this is what the blog will be about today.

While I was pregnant I received a gift from my cousin Shannon and Craig. I had told Shannon no gifts for a long time because the uncertainty of my pregnancy and what would happen, however finally the day came where I felt comfortable receiving gifts. If you know Shannon she loves to buy gifts and spoils you with her generosity and care of picking the perfect gift. We had all met, Alex, Wendy, Shannon, Craig, Myself and Ron for dinner at El Azteco. When Shannon arrived she was full of gifts one was a very special caterpillar. Everyone who followed Elijah’s blog saw the caterpillar with him all the time. We used it to prop his body from side to side to prevent bed sores, we used it lift his arms and legs it was his constant companion. After Elijah passed while we still sat holding our baby Ron said to only me Eli has turned into his butterfly as he was holding the little toy in his hand. The funeral came and went and I planted the Elijah garden that came from the special arrangements my sister made for the funeral as well as his miniature lilac bush, and a special grass called Elijah Blue. I was out back and Lexi was helping me and we were enjoying the bright sun shinning down on our bodies warming mine from the inside out. I looked sky ward and closed my eyes I opened my eyes and saw a beautiful monarch butterfly flying around Lexi and myself. I told Lexi of what her daddy had said and told her how I had just prayed to God while we were enjoying the sun and the garden and when I opened my eyes god had sent me the sign that he heard me and Elijah was safe. The beautiful butterfly stayed for a very long time with us and while we marveled Lexi went to get her daddy to show him. When Ron came out the butterfly landed right on Lexi’s hand we all were in shock! It then flew and landed on my arm and just stayed there, and then went and landed on Ron’s chest. Ron was even amazed! After a long while the butterfly flew away. We all spoke about the moment several times that night. I prayed that night and thanked God for that amazing moment. The next morning came and so did the sun again, Lexi and I went out to tend to Elijah’s garden again. While watering the very same butterfly came again and landed on my shoulder I was in shock and so was Lexi, we were so happy to see the beautiful butterfly again. We got Ron and we all marveled again. This happened for three days before the butterfly stopped coming around. I again Thanked God and  went about our summer.

Picture taken by Lexi Farhat

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Then August came and so did the family trip with Ron’s parents and our sister in law Cherri and nephew CT as well as our gang. At this point the entire family had heard of the Elijah butterfly story, and always were excited to see any butterfly after. I should tell you the trip we were on I had dreamed about taking Eli on. While I was pregnant I had though out what he would wear and got him the cutest wardrobe for him from Gymboree, it hand little green frogs on it. I had thought to myself while packing how it was sad to never take our son on a vacation and I had prayed at that moment for peace. Three days later the family headed out for the state park in Grand Haven to enjoy the beach. We all walked down the boardwalk  and again the sun was warm and everyone was soaking it in, we took pictures, we laughed, the kids ran and played in the sand and beautiful Lake Michigan water. Ron and I were enjoying the sun sitting together when a beautiful Monarch Butterfly came in and landed right in front of us. Before I could think I called out Elijah is here to be with his family. I knew God had sent a sign of Elijah to me again. The kids were thrilled and we all took pictures and spoke to the butterfly. Every time Cherri spoke to the butterfly it would open its wings. It again stayed for a very long time with our family and it filled me with peace and I knew God has been listening.

I finally share this story, I wasn’t sure if some of you would think I was crazy writing it.It has taken me a very long time to decide to do it or not. However today while I was talking with my counselor she agreed with me on the magic behind this story. Also I am filled with hope, love, peace and joy in what is to come for our God!!!!

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The butterfly

Here I am at my keyboard and I want to share and I am unsure of where to start. Summer is over school has started, the kids are gone and I am here all day with Izzo our special dog laying at my feet. It has been so long since I wrote I am unsure where to start but I was instructed to put my feelings down because it helps so much to look at things and my emotions for what they are. It has been a summer of healing, growth, love, strength, happiness, and still the feeling of loss but closely followed by the feeling of hope. The family has had the opportunity to travel and spend a lot of time together. We have enjoyed time with each other and also time with our close friends. I have a story I haven’t shared fully with many people and I always told Lexi I would share it, so this is what the blog will be about today.

While I was pregnant I received a gift from my cousin Shannon and Craig. I had told Shannon no gifts for a long time because the uncertainty of my pregnancy and what would happen, however finally the day came where I felt comfortable receiving gifts. If you know Shannon she loves to buy gifts and spoils you with her generosity and care of picking the perfect gift. We had all met, Alex, Wendy, Shannon, Craig, Myself and Ron for dinner at El Azteco. When Shannon arrived she was full of gifts one was a very special caterpillar. Everyone who followed Elijah’s blog saw the caterpillar with him all the time. We used it to prop his body from side to side to prevent bed sores, we used it lift his arms and legs  to help with circulation, it was his constant companion. After Elijah passed while we still sat holding our baby Ron said to only me Eli has turned into his butterfly as he was holding the little toy in his hand. The funeral came and went and I planted the Elijah garden that came from the special arrangements my sister made for the funeral as well as his miniature lilac bush, and a special grass called Elijah Blue. I was out back and Lexi was helping me and we were enjoying the bright sun shinning down on out bodies warming mine from the inside out. I looked sky ward and closed my eyes I opened my eyes and saw a beautiful monarch butterfly flying around Lexi and myself. I told Lexi of what her daddy had said and told her how I had just prayed to God while we were enjoying the sun and the garden and when I opened my eyes god had sent me the sign that he heard me and Elijah was safe. The beautiful butterfly stayed for a very long time with us and while we marveled Lexi went to get her daddy to show him. When Ron came out the butterfly landed right on Lexi’s hand we all were in shock! It then flew and landed on my arm and just stayed there, and then went and landed on Ron’s chest. Ron was even amazed! After a long while the butterfly flew away. We all spoke about the moment several times that night. I prayed that night and thanked God for that amazing moment. The next morning came and so did the sun again, Lexi and I went out to tend to Elijah’s garden again. While watering the very same butterfly came again and landed on my shoulder I was in shock and so was Lexi, we were so happy to see the beautiful butterfly again. We got Ron and we all marveled again. This happened for three days before the butterfly stopped coming around. I again Thanked God and  went about our summer.

Picture taken by Lexi Farhat

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Then August came and so did the family trip with Ron’s parents and our sister in law Cherri and nephew CT as well as our gang. At this point the entire family had heard of the Elijah butterfly story, and always were excited to see any butterfly after. I should tell you the trip we were on I had dreamed about taking Eli on. While I was pregnant I had though out what he would wear and got him the cutest wardrobe for Eli with little frogs all over it, from Gymboree. I had thought to myself while packing how it was sad to never take our son on a vacation and I had prayed at that moment for peace. Three days later the family headed out for the state park in Grand Haven to enjoy the beach. We all walked down the boardwalk  and again the sun was warm and everyone was soaking it in, we took pictures, we laughed, the kids ran and played in the sand and beautiful Lake Michigan water. Ron and I were enjoying the sun sitting together when a beautiful Monarch Butterfly came in and landed right in front of us. Before I could think I called out Elijah is here to be with his family. I knew God had sent a sign of Elijah to me again. The kids were thrilled and we all took pictures and spoke to the butterfly. Every time Cherri spoke to the butterfly it would open its wings. It again stayed for a very long time with our family and it filled me with peace and I knew God has been listening.

I finally share this story, I wasn’t sure if some of you would think I was crazy writing it.It has taken me a very long time to decide to do it or not. However today while I was talking with my counselor she agreed with me on the magic behind this story. Also I am filled with hope, love, peace and joy in what is to come for our God!!!!

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Time

It has been a very long time since I last posted and it is because it is summer and we are busy, which is a good thing! The kids are home with me and we are swimming, jet skiing, traveling to the grand parents, going to the lake, having a lot of sleep overs, riding bikes, walking the dog, writing book reports, doing summer math, getting geared up for the Olympics, and enjoying every part of summer. I have gone back to work and I am working from home now. I am still with my same company and very happy for my new opportunity. It seems perfect.

I am writing because it seems like in just the last week I have been asked by many of my friends “How are you doing, I am thinking of you and Ron”. For these friends thank you for not forgetting that we are still making our way through the biggest trial of our life. This week will mark 3 months since Elijah’s life and passing. I can tell you that we are doing well, we are still hit with moments of sorrow and sadness. I see this with everyone, one of the kids will remember something or see something or hear something that reminds them of our special little boy Eli. Paige heard the song “I couldn’t ask for more” and said “mommy when I hear this song I think of how you sang this to Eli in the hospital, I think of how you were happy and held his hand while you sang it” Funny I  totally remembered that as soon as she said it. At church “son of God” was sung and it was the first time I heard it in our amazing congregation since Elijah’s funeral. I will tell you tears rolled down my checks and I felt peace knowing Elijah has been adopted by God, and his brother is Jesus. My counselor said not to put too much pressure on myself because I am still fragile even though I am walking into the light.

A friend of mine has been posting about a young girl who is a dear friend to her and her fight after being involved in a hit and run, however she was on her bike and left. The parents of Zion and Jenna herself have been keeping us up to date on Zion’s fight however for me I feel like I may understand what Zion’s parents are feeling. Praying for life but knowing it is not in your will but his. Being at Mercy. They describe the roller coaster ride and I remember being on the same ride. However when I finally stepped off my roller coaster ride in many ways I wished I wasn’t forced off, I would have rode it forever if it meant holding my boy and nursing him, or even for one more day of hope. Though I pray to never ride it again, I did treasure the time I was on it. Zion is doing better but no one knows the outcome yet so we should all say a little prayer for a full recovery for Zion.

I do want to say I can see the goodness and it is headed in our direction:) Time may heal all wounds but it is not from forgetting it is from accepting.

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The calm before the storm

We last left off with the story of Elijah with Ron and I attending the multidisciplinary conference. After hearing all about Elijah’s heart defect and learning our treatment options we were left to process all the information handed to us. As well as choosing a hospital and staff to treat Elijah.

Life moved on, kids had activities, we had work. I had always been a number #1 performer in my sales position and I had moved to 4th since the diagnosis, this was not acceptable for me (the good news was I did accomplish this, while in the hospital it was one of the only pieces of good news I got, however I realized it did really matter). I had to regroup and figure out how to be in the top position again, be a good mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and take care of Elijah and myself. The good part of this was my morning sickness had finally subsided after 5 months of throwing up daily, only to be replaced with horrific heartburn.This is just par for the course of how my pregnancies go. I also had to go through the emotions that go along with a diagnosis like Elijah’s. How to cope, fill myself with faith. I threw myself into God’s strength asking him to work through my weak and weary body. I prayed at a new level and I could feel the hope rising in my weak body. Daily I felt better about the future, by no means did I think it was going to be easy but I did think it would all work out in the end.

In January I started getting my medical treatment at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital. I picked a surgeon Dr Richard Ohye, and we met with him, in late February. He looked of Eli’s fetal Eco cardiogram and in his words “It should be a simple procedure relatively speaking”. He was the first doctor that would go over mortality rates. For the first surgery the mortality rate was 5% and all three combined is at 20%. But once the babies make it through they aren’t sure about life in their 20’s and longer, a transplant may have to happen. I held hope that medicine would advance and that something new would come to help by then. I was filled with hope all around, Dr Ohye gave me something no one else could.

I had ultrasound after ultrasound the baby always looked healthy and strong. A little on the small side but he was doing great. I was scheduled to deliver Elijah April 20th at 36 weeks. I had refrained from buying anything for Elijah until February and decided it was time to get started. I bought clothes and bedding, a changing table and pad, a boppy, stuffed animals, lots of hats, and blankets. I bought diapers, wipes, a diaper bag. My mom bought his stroller, and Pat and Ron bought him his car seat, and Mama Roo. We were all ready. The kids were getting excited and loved they could feel Elijah kick and see my tummy move. Ron and I would lay in bed together every night and talk to Elijah, Ron would push on his little feet and he would kick or push his hand away. I would sing to Elijah all day and so would little Ryan Mae. For the first time it felt a little like my other pregnancies. The only difference being when people would say they couldn’t wait to meet Elijah and see him they were so excited all I could think was I was afraid.

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