Soul and Music

Many of you know I am moved by music, through our trial with Elijah I was filled with trust, peace, and comfort from music. It puts me in touch with my soul and helps me connect to God. In our house everyone has a “baby song” this is the song that I sang to the kids that just came to me to remind me of each of them in someway. We dance and sing LOUD and feel safe. I have wrote a list of songs that feel me with those happy, proud, sad, loving, moments.

Carter’s song was “The real slim shady” (ha I know this is a funny one but he looked a little like Eminem and smiled whenever we sang it to him. His other song is “I’d lie” by Taylor swift. Sometimes I do change the lyrics and all the kids think these are the real lyrics and of course I have so much fun with this. I sang this song everyday to Carter and his with his friends in the back seat giggling and guess what I didn’t care and he loved it!!!! My version goes like this ” I could tell you his favorite colors green, he likes to argue born on the 13th, His sisters beautiful, he has his momma’s eyes and if you ask me if I love him I DOOOO!  Carter I know it’s a love song but I do love you!

I’d Lie link

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Picture 764Lexi came in late but none the less has her own song I sing to her “Brown eyed girl” By Van Morrison. She so far, is the only one with those big brown eyes, and that makes her my Brown eyed girl. I have to search her out in the house and sing, twirl her around whenever the song comes on.

Brown Eyed Girl Link

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Paige’s I have spoke of before “Build me up Buttercup” The first time I laid eyes on Paige in the neonatal unit this song just came to me. She had Auburn hair that reminded me of buttercups and I wanted to let her know I needed her more than anyone darling to build me up and not break my heart. Paige to this day lights up when she hears this song!

Buttercup baby link

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Ryan’s song was “Baby girl” by Sugarland. I could always see Ryan singing this song to me as an adult. Her blonde hair and big blue eyes have always spoke these words of a strong girl with dreams. She also was my baby girl for 7 years. She can belt this song out on a microphone like no other as well.

Baby girl Link

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Elijah’s songs were “Trust” By Matt Hammitt, “Son of God” Dan and Kristen from church, and “The Redeemer” by Sanctus Real. The Redeemer is the song touched me the most. It says “I don’t have every answer in life, but I’m trusting you one day at a time. Cause you can make a weak heart stay alive forever”. Is that speaking of Elijah I think so. I’m still a dreamer,  I’m still a believer!

The Redeemer Link

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Now Stella, I though I had these figured out before she had even entered the world but come to find out, I was wrong. I downloaded the song “In my daughters eyes” By Martina McBride the day before Stella entered the world. I don’t know what put this song in my head but it was there. Now I sing Stella this song multiple times everyday and it brings tears of joy every time to my eyes. In Stella’s eyes I am a hero, strong and wise and I know no fear. But the truth is plain to see she was sent to rescue me. Wow how true these words are for me. “This miracle god gave to me gives me strength when I am weak”, “It’s hanging on when your heart has had enough”, “Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace”. This song is just amazing to me so true in every way and It touches everyone one of my kids for me. But when Stella looks at me with her big blue eyes and pierces me with those eyes I see grace and light. Thank you God!

In my daughters eyes

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Ron and I, our song as Ryan says it, your wedding songs “Bless the Broken Road” By Rascal Flatts.”I set out on a narrow way many years ago. Hoping I would find true love on along the broken road, but I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through, I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you. Every long lost dream, lead me to where you are lovers who broke my heart, they were like northern stars, pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true that God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you”. Ron it’s all part of the grander plan that is coming true!

Bless the broken road

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Proud Mommy

We find ourselves at Carter’s birthday and not any birthday his 13th birthday! This falls on June 13th of 2013, how cool!!! I know last year I wrote about my amazing Carter and how special he is and that hasn’t changed. This year I want to just add a few more words about C.

Today is also Carter’s last day of 6th grade and going into this year we were both filled with nerves what will it be like moving to a school full of children that are growing, maturing, hitting puberty. What kind of kids will Carter choose as friends what will they introduce him too, will Carter be a follower or a leader? So many additional questions could go here. About a month ago I sat down with Carter’s teachers for his IEP (if you don’t know Carter suffers from Dyslexia) and it was at this meeting I again was told how special Carter really is. The teachers spoke about his bright personality, about how he is so funny, how he follows directions and listens, how he is so kind and caring to others. They say he is popular for just being kind and fun, that he will go far in life just because of his spirit and his drive to not be defined by Dyslexia. He is a hard worker, he doesn’t follow others he leads them. If they could duplicate Carter they would, followed by asking if he was a droid because he was so wonderful…ha not with picking on his sisters, I say. Carter is able to sit in on the IEP for the first time ever and is overcome by emotion as I see the tears form in his eyes as the teachers describe him, I of course always cry just from being a parent who is purely proud of her son and what he can do!. I remember the first IEP I ever went to for Carter and his special Education teacher telling me Carter would not go to college so I needed to start working on accepting this. I remember then the tears I cried due to the fact they could not label my son they didn’t even know him. All they knew were his test results. At this point Carter’s principle stepped in (We were lucky enough that Carter had Mr Hornak as a teacher for two years prior and this was Mr Hornak’s first year as principle at the school) and he said words I will never forget “excuse me but you don’t know Carter and I do, I have had the pleasure of teaching Carter for two years and I am telling you Carter will go to college and go very far in life”. It was this statement I left with I went home and told Carter how wonderful he was how his brain worked a little different so he was going to start a new class so he could learn on his own terms. I told him day after day how smart he was how special, we prayed to God every night and thanked him for Carter’s smart brain and amazing zest for life. It has filled him with confidence and ambition to succeed. I still pray everyday with persistence for Carter to become great, I realize as writing this he already has. My prayers may shift a little from here on out. That Carter uses his greatness for good, that he never forgets he has to work hard but with hard work comes great reward. I will pray they he remains a leader and also uses this for good.

Happy Birthday Carter!!!! You are a truly unique boy with the love you give out and your determination to achieve greatness!!!! I am so very proud of you and cry as I write this.

With all my love, MomImageImage

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Life with baby



It has been five weeks since our sweet Stella boo (as everyone calls her) has entered our family officially and boy how good it feels. We are all feeling so lucky with our special little girl.

Ryan thinks she is Stella’s little mom. She is always wanting to help, she wants to change diapers, feed bottles, hold her, she corrects everyone if she thinks we are holding Stella wrong etc… Ryan tells me all the time what a good big sister she is and she is right.



Paige loves to hold Stella, feed her and offers to change he diaper. She however is more patient than Ryan and doesn’t demand her Stella time. Paige is calm and patient with Stella and Stella feels this and finds it easy to relax and sleep in her sisters arms.



Lexi is the sibling that has the most recent experience with babies so she is a natural. She can feed Stella and not feel nervous. Lexi is confident in her big sister skills. Lexi loves to tell us all the funny things Stella does.


Carter is amazing with Stella!!! He loves her deeply and Stella knows it. All through my pregnancy Carter and I read together every night, we continue to do this now. Stella knows her brothers voice and loves it. When we read at night she lays and listens as we read, she is always calm and listens to us. I wish I had a picture us this Carter lays on his stomach with his upper body resting on his elbows, he places Stella in his nook so she just stares at him as he reads and I know the both love it. She recognizes his voice and responds to him. Carter comes up stairs every morning and takes Stella out of her bed and holds her before school. He knows when she is hungry, tired, needs a diaper change. He knows his sisters every need and want. When she is fussy it doesn’t scare him, frankly he takes her from Ron and I to try and make her better himself, and many time it works. Carter is a deep thinker and loves to carry on conversations with adults while driving in the car the other day Carter told me he wanted to live at home when he went to college because he didn’t know how he could be away from Stella. This melted my heart and made me laugh. I explained he may change his mind and he told me he never would he loves her so much. Carter also said on this same car ride the only thing that would have made his life more perfect was if we had both Elijah and Stella (I feel the same), I did say we wouldn’t have Stella if we hadn’t lost Elijah. Stella was a gift from God, Stella is God’s grace. That was why we named her Stella Grace.



ImageRon and I daily tell each other how blessed we feel. I cherish every moment, when she cries, when she poops all through her clothes, when she is up at night, everyone of these moments I am thankful for. I don’t care if I get no sleep I have gift that I will not take for granted and I will teach her all about Gods love for us.






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Radiant light (or is Stella’s case UV light)



Today has been the first I have been able to blog since the arrival of Stella Grace. Stella official joined our family on April 17th at 11:08am, weighing in at 5lbs 15oz. She has a full head of hair but hers is brown or maybe even Auburn. She is stunning and no one can agree who Stella looks like, I think she is the perfect combination of both Ron and I. The moment Stella was born she was quite entering the world in peace and just taking it all in, as i quietly weep into Ron’s shoulder with so many emotions. Relief she is here and healthy, and at the same time sad that she will never know her brother. She has proven to be the one thing I needed to help mend my broken heart. When Ron brings Stella to me in the recovery room silent tears roll down my face as he places our daughter into my arms and I place her to my breast and the instant she latches and knows I’m her mom. I forgot how magical this moment is. For the next several days you will not see Stella far from my arms, I will not take one moment of this baby for granted she is the greatest gift I have received.  Not to say that my other children are not this special but I was much younger and had not been given such large doses of what life can bring. Now I can see things in a new and much more radiant light.


Why do I keep referring to light? It is because one year ago today I wrote the log “The Sun” and I wrote of gods light shinning down on me and feeling it warm me and shine on everything around me. I can still remember that morning perfectly and how it felt. It felt warm and I felt gods light wrapping me with love by his light. The sun sparkled off everything it touched and it was beautiful. 

I haven’t blogged for reasons: the emotions that blogging brings, The tears I shed,  Stella keeping me busy, or just trying to rest when I get a moment. However right now I again sit in the NICU next to a bed with my baby in it. Just writing that sentence makes me vision blur with tears. However it is for Stella and Jaundice, nothing to serious but not fun all the same. Sunday morning we brought Stella home from the hospital and this act was so special Ron and I had come home with no baby last year and this year we are finally crossing the thresh hold with our daughter in our arms. I walk her to the nursery that use to be Elijah’s and I show her around and tell her over her guardian angel Elijah that watches over her every moment. I lay down and place Stella on my chest and we sleep. Her brother and sister hold her and love her and I am so thankful for every touch and every moment we all share. Ron rubs my back as I cry filled with so much to be thankful and the bittersweet feeling that comes as well. Ron and I take Stella on a walk yesterday and let the sun shine on her ever yellow growing face and we enjoy each step that passes. Stella rarely cries or fusses and we feel her peace in our hearts.  Today Wendy comes because Ron has to go back to work and Wendy takes Stella and I to the doctors we learn Stella is again gaining her weight back and it is back up to 5lbs 8oz, the good news. Now the bad news Stella has to be admitted for her Jaundice. This I know is small but to be told I can’t hold our baby for 24 hours does hurt my heart and soul.






I will take everything that comes and I will turn it over in prayer to God and I will be walking out of Beaumont in no time holding Stella Grace in my arms and knowing Elijah is watching and shining his light on us.



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Torn between two emotions

Here I sit once again with Son Of God playing in the back ground and I write with so much coming my way in the next few weeks. We will be welcoming Stella Grace in the world and also mourning the one year mark of Elijah’s birth and death. I am clinging to God and his promises as well as my friends and loved ones as I deal with all these mixed emotions.

Two weeks ago my family threw a beautiful little shower for Stella and I. Who would have thought that, that act of love and excitement would cause so many tears for me. As I sat opening little pink sleepers and receiving blankets trying and show happiness and excitement  all I could feel was sadness that I had never experienced this Elijah. That I had never allowed myself true excitement and happiness about his little body and the miracle of his sweet soul growing inside me, this of course was because I had been so scared and overwhelmed by the situation. Then came the guilt that I felt because of this. A year of reflection and mourning behind me and I still do not understand.

How does one cope with these different emotions. I try to live each baby in the moment I am in. Grieving when I feel I need to grieve and rejoicing when the time is there. As the day approaches for Stella’s birth and the 1 year mark of Elijah’s life my heart is crying out for peace. Last night as I lay awake for hours this was my prayer “please heavenly father bring me peace” over and over again I spoke this. Maybe it will take holding Stella and seeing the full blood sister of our Eli. Maybe seeing if they look alike or feeling his presence in her. I pray he is happy to see us with Stella and that he will be her guardian angel. I pray he knows I’m sorry and that I love him so deeply. I pray for God’s grace and peace.

As the lyrics of Son of God ring out I am comforted by the fact that Elijah is a son of god and his soul is at peace, now to get mine on the same page.

I am reminding everyone again I do not proof read these blogs because it is too hard.


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We have made to March, one month from Sunday I am scheduled to deliver our special baby girl Stella Grace!!!

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March has started with a bang! On March 3rd the family attended a very special Sanctus Real concert and were able to go back stage and finally meet face to face with the Hammitt’s. Matt Hammitt is the lead singer of the Christian rock band that guided me through the darkest days of my life. Matt wrote a very emotional and uncovering album (Every falling tear) about his own true story of having a son that was born with HLHS. Sarah his wife and I have become friends and she helped guide me through many of the questions I had with Elijah. She guided through her own personal struggles with Bowen their awesome little man, and also helped me struggle through the questions I had from a Christian point of view. We spoke and went over many bible verses together she helped me when I was struggling through the why, what did I do to deserve this. She helped me remember that I did nothing, that bad things happen to good people. That this experience has brought me closer to my God and faith. Image

March 4th the entire family went on our vacation to Florida, a well deserved vacation for everyone. We had 8 fun filled days of enjoying the family time and warm weather together. We spent out time with Nana and Gido (Ron’s parents ) who spoiled us all for a week. There is nothing better than hearing and participating in the excitement of the 4 kids.  From the rides at Disney to the Golf cart rides and constant swimming. To watch the little bodies absorb vitamin D from the sun, and exchange leave the kids exhausted by the end of every night. What a great vacation before Stella makes her arrival.

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It makes it all a little sweeter

We had a little scare last week with Stella, and preterm labor. It was Thursday night and I had complained to Ron of a worsening back ache since around lunch. The back ache became so bad by bed time that I could hardly roll over. I had listened to our Stella Grace on out fetal Doppler and she sounded great so off to slumber I went. When I was awaken at 4:30 with an Alert that school was being closed due to the snow storm I went to the bathroom and realized I was still feeling awful but now I was feeling completely nauseated as well. I was able to go back to sleep and was relieved to know I had a doctor’s appointment in Lansing in just a few hours. When I finally woke at 8am I woke to the kids laughing and enjoying their day off and all the snow that covered our yard and street, however I also awoke with severe pain on my belly. It was a cramping that was coming and going but would stop me in my tracks when it came. I tried to relax and get ready but I knew something was wrong. I loaded the girls in the car for the trip into Lansing to see grandma and grandpa while I went to the doctor. The roads were awful and it hadn’t stopped snowing in our area traffic was moving slow and panic began to grow in me as I drove closer to Lansing and further from Royal Oak. In Brighton I called Doctor Maser, Ron and my mom to tell them. I was in pain fearing I was in labor and driving my girls in the snow storm. Ryan was scared! She began to cry with worry about me as Paige talked nonstop with nerves. I told them mommy was ok and driving very safe it would be fine. After a 2 hour drive in that would typically only take an hour. My mom and dad met us at the Okemos exit where my mom drove me to the doctor and my dad took the girls to his house. We walked in and were seen immediately and given an ultrasound Stella had turned head down and her head was in my pelvis so no pictures as we couldn’t see her face anymore. I was contracting and sent to labor and delivery. I was there all day trying to stop the progression of labor. My contractions had moved from every 5 minutes t every 2 minutes I was give the maximum dose of Terbutaline a drug used to stop labor. This however didn’t work they changed to the drug Procardia and after several fast and furious doses this did slow them down. I was now however nausea’s not able to keep any food or drink down, had the horrible body shakes, and a migraine headache. I was able to go home on oral Procardia to keep the contractions at bay and it seems to be working as of now.

We have our Florida trip around the corner and just need to make it through this. I was given enough medicine to hopefully conquer our trip. I really need a vacation.

Funny when you think about things, it is so easy for some people to have children. Not for me and yet here I am on carrying my 5th amazing blessing and I swear I am more excited than ever. I feel like I was put on this earth to love and nurture and I don’t mind fighting for everything I have been given. It makes it all a little sweeter. Oh and the sweeter part also MSU basketball beat Michigan!

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