A Sad Day

It wasn’t but two weeks ago that I shared with my friends and family the news of our newest addition that was going to be joining us in early fall. We found out at that time that we were having a baby girl that was clear of many chromosomal abnormalities. We named our newest addition Quinn Rose. We were thrilled with this news and just awaiting her heart scan. Fast forward two weeks later and I was going to my normal appointment. I dropped Lexi off at school and Stella and I ventured into Lansing for our standard easy appointment. The office was happy to see Stella and I.  Ron, Wendy or my mom did not  join me because it was just going to be in and out quick. That was until Dr Maser checked for a heart beat. Stella was sitting next to me as the Dr scanned and scanned and scanned we heard only my heart beat. My chest started to get heavy with each passing second, I said to Dr Maser you know you have to scan me and he said yes. He took me into Glenna, the ultra sound tech and we again placed Stella on my side and started the scan. Dr Maser stayed the whole time until we realized Quinn had no heart beat. I could see a perfectly form little baby and no heart beating. I turned and said she has no heart beat he asked Glenna to do a couple different looks and still nothing. Two perfectly formed arms, two legs just no heart beat. I told the doctor I needed to call someone I was alone and Stella was beginning to feel my broken heart. She was beginning to cry. Dr Maser placed me in the same room I received the bad news about Eli and he stepped out to arrange things while I had time to call Ron and pulled myself together the best I could. Stella was having a hard time so I couldn’t be upset so I could calm her down. I prayed and told God I trust him and know he knows what is best. Dr Maser stepped back in and we went over my options.

I have pondered all day how do I tell everyone that I lost our baby after just posting to you all. I was in my 2nd trimester and had a lot of the testing back so I felt I was safe to share.  My friend suggested I write hear and post it. If you read it you will know and if you don’t than that is fine as well. It was an exciting week with Stella’s first birthday and also a sad week with it being the anniversary of Eli and now we have another loss just so sad.

I do want to thank God for our perfect daughter and children. I will always be thankful for the gifts I have received and rejoice in the fact that God has many rooms!

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Son Of God

Today has just been one of those days that I have thought of my beautiful little Elijah a lot. The weather outside here is gloomy and rainy, spring is getting ready to dawn. I was busy all day with work and the kids. still over and over I found myself singing Son Of God in my head. This song is so beautiful but it still haunts me deep in my soul. I am once again brought back to time in my life that will never leave, that has become part of who I am and how I am. I can no longer go to church without crying. I am not crying because of anger but crying because I know this is when I am closest to my angel Elijah and my heavenly father. The song says “I lay down and rest because I work no longer. I breathe in  refreshed,  no more soil and disgrace. I look up to him to whom I am kneeling and I see delight, there in my fathers face.” This verse makes me think of the moment I felt Elijah take his last breath. I picture Elijah taking his first deep breath in God’s arms and it brings peace and comfort.  I think of how hard this little boy worked to stay and fight but how relieved he was to fight no longer. The next verse says “I fight no longer, there be right or good or prove my own worth. I’m not driven, or pushed or weighed down with duty but filled with relief of what Christ did for me.” Wow these words haunt me the most because I now.  I as Elijah’s mom expected so much out of my little one and let him suffer probably too long.

I am not writing for any reason except for you mothers out there who have read this blog and are going through similar situations, or for those of you who have lost a loved one to say, we remember everyday . Some days are stronger than others and some days are less but it is everyday. I had a friend ask me how often I think of Elijah every second, every minute, every hour, or every day. My answer was all of the above it just depends on the day. The memories are still sad but filled with so much love and emotion. Every night I pray with Stella and we pray about Elijah. We pray that he knows we love him and he is our hero. I just remember the lyrics that say “I’m an heir, I’m adopted my brother is Jesus, I’m a son of God, and my soul is a peace.” I thank you God for this!

 

Again a reminder that I do not proof read due to emotions.

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March 27, 2014 · 10:53 pm

Birthday Note for MJ

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Today is the birthday of my best friend Mary Jo! I have been thinking all week about what I can do that would meaningful for my friend. Yesterday it hit me, write about her! Let everyone know what an amazing friend I am lucky enough to have in my life. Mary Jo just happened into my life only four short years ago through our daughters Paige and Hailey. It is funny how life leads us exactly where we are suppose to go, if we follow. It was the first year the kids and I moved to Royal Oak from Holt to start the next chapter of our lives. The kids were starting a new school with all new friends and I was as well. In Holt I had always been a large part of the school and activities around the school but in Royal Oak I was working full time with no support system but Ron and our neighbors. That was until I met Mary Jo.

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I will never forget the first time I met MJ it was Halloween and the girls were in Mrs. Mentag’s 1st grade together. Hailey had befriended Paige and they were best friends very quickly. MJ was the class mom and I had gone to help with the party. A very tall and very friendly witch approached and introduced herself as Hailey’s mom and so it began. Throughout that first year Makenna, MJ’s oldest daughter formed a crush on my Carter, Paige and Hailey’s bond grew stronger and Ryan and Charlotte began a friendship as well. Mary Jo was one of the first people I told about being pregnant with Elijah though we were just forming our friendship as well. MJ has a way about her that just makes you feel safe, she listens and is there, however I had no idea of what she would help me through at this time. I was so sick while pregnant with Eli, MJ was always quick to help. When I almost miscarried E, MJ was the one who took all my kids and took care of them. When I found out E was sick while pregnant MJ sat with me and took care of me and so it began the true trust and care I needed with my family away for the first time in my life. When E was born MJ came to the hospital multiple times and was just there to let me cry on her shoulder and cry with me. When we lost our precious boy, and my family was gone MJ was here everyday. Stopping by, letting me talk, making me drink tea, letting me cry and helping me through. She sheltered me from questions and stares at school, she took all the questions and told everyone how I was strong and getting through. It was hearing this over and over that made me strong. She helped with the kids. She made me laugh and feel normal and so my life started to become normal. Then I was pregnant for Stella and I was scared, I could share things with MJ that I couldn’t share with anyone because everyone else needed me to be strong, not MJ she could take it and listen. MJ has now become a part of our family she is Auntie MJ.

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Mary Jo I don’t know if you will ever truly know what you have done for me and my family, or what an amazing person, friend, woman, mom, sister, and daughter you are. So I am going to tell you how I feel. You are beautiful inside and out. Your soul is soft and kind, it is caring and tender. Your laughter fills a room as well as your presence. Your smile is welcoming and loving. You are safe, and careful with feelings, you are full of life and zest. You know how to dance and take over a dance floor. When you walk in a room you make everyone look and want to know you. You are strong and can handle stress and we all know you have had your fair share of this as of late. You can do anything with your positive attitude and these are only a few things that makes you the amazing person you are. MJ the world is at your finger tips grab hold and hold on tight.

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The Farhat family loves you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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Another Visit

I thought I would share about another cool butterfly visit for the family. I had my friend Sandee bring me a beautiful canvas of a butterfly on Thursday because of the prior post and encounter by our Elijah butterfly. I hung it so everyone could see it and each one of the kids recognized immediately the symbol of this canvas and asked where it came from. I told each one and they all smiled and had a moment to think about their baby brother. I have taken Stella to look at the canvas several times and each time tell her about her strong brother. It is now a picture everyone can look at and feel their brothers presences in their life.

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Fast forward three days it is Carter’s football game and the sun is shining. Lexi is sitting between Ron and I in the stands with her arms looped through each of our arms. Paige and Ryan are playing and Mary Jo is walking Stella. Carter makes a GIANT tackle on the side closest to us. It’s the kind of tackle that he plants his feet and takes all his strength (because the other kid is at least a foot taller and has 25 pounds on him) he then grabs hold and turns the other boy across his body and throws him to the ground. If anyone knows me at Carter’s game I am the proud mom. Cheering on the entire team making sure I know the roster so I can let them know I see how they are all playing so well. When Carter makes a play he listens for me in the stands to make sure I saw, this tackle was so great he knew everyone saw the crowd erupted and his name was called by many. As I sat back down after yelling “way to go C” Lexi grabbed my arm again and pointed above us. There it was a beautiful monarch butterfly right over us. How she spotted it I have no idea but it was there and it went right out and flew over Carter on the field, It was magic. Lexi, Ron and I witnessed this beautiful magical moment and I knew Elijah was still watching over us.

I told Carter yesterday about what we saw after he made that tackle and he said “E”! I said yes.Image

 

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Paige Birthday Note

Today is Paige’s tenth birthday. Not a day has gone by since the birth of Paige that I have not felt grateful for this little fighter. I know I’ve wrote of Paige last year and all we have fought through with Paige, a premature birth, Tumors through out her right leg, and her battle with Crohn’s Disease. Paige has been through a lot in her ten years but we look at it as she is a fighter and it has made all of us stronger and better. Paige knows she lives a blessed life even with her illness. She is sweet, kind, loving and always smiling.

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Paige, is perhaps the most kind hearted little soul I have experienced. Not to say she doesn’t have a moment, but they are  very rare. She has faith that you don’t see in many children her age. She loves her friends and family. She is sensitive and silly. Paige has won over Stella’s heart, Stella can see the love that radiates from Paige to her. She immediately responds to Paige, with that trusting little smile that says I know how much Paige loves me. Paige is patient and doesn’t get frustrated, she works hard in school and cheer and excels at both. Paige has a love for life I wish everyone could experience. Happy Birthday to my sweet Paige, you are one of the most precious gifts I have ever received. Also you are what I always prayed for.

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8 years old

Saturday was Ryan Mae’s 8th birthday. It seems amazing to me that she is already 8 years old. she is almost as tall as her sisters Lexi and Paige and is turning into such a beautiful girl. Recently my friend Mary Jo took amazing pictures of the kids for my parents grand children wall (it was past time for an update of the wall photos) and I wanted to share with you Ryan and her beautiful smile and eyes! Image

I again feel so blessed to have this little girl as my daughter. In the past 5 months I have seen her embrace being a big sister with such ease. Ryan is so proud of her baby sister she wants to carry Stella everywhere for all to see. Ryan is still a lover of playing outside and wants to be in with her brother and the neighbor boys games, though they rarely allow this. Ryan has spent a lot of summer having sleepovers with her best friend Charlotte and they have made up dances and cheers, they have laughed and sang. Charlotte has worked on kart wheels with Ryan as well as Paige and Lexi, Ryan almost has these down if only she could land them everything else is perfect! Ryan bought a new skate board and pads with her birthday money and has been trying to perfect this new activity as well, she is always ready to try something new!

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Ryan loves to help, she loves candy, and to sing, she loves with an open heart. Ryan wears cowboy boots with dresses, and can rock on her guitar. She is still very strong willed and loves to make large messes, she may even love to “stir the pot” if you know what I mean (I blame this on the male influences in her life, her dad, Carter, Ron and Pa). Ryan is strong and unique and I love her for exactly all the reasons listed. Happy Birthday my little one, your still my baby girl!

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Soul and Music

Many of you know I am moved by music, through our trial with Elijah I was filled with trust, peace, and comfort from music. It puts me in touch with my soul and helps me connect to God. In our house everyone has a “baby song” this is the song that I sang to the kids that just came to me to remind me of each of them in someway. We dance and sing LOUD and feel safe. I have wrote a list of songs that feel me with those happy, proud, sad, loving, moments.

Carter’s song was “The real slim shady” (ha I know this is a funny one but he looked a little like Eminem and smiled whenever we sang it to him. His other song is “I’d lie” by Taylor swift. Sometimes I do change the lyrics and all the kids think these are the real lyrics and of course I have so much fun with this. I sang this song everyday to Carter and his with his friends in the back seat giggling and guess what I didn’t care and he loved it!!!! My version goes like this ” I could tell you his favorite colors green, he likes to argue born on the 13th, His sisters beautiful, he has his momma’s eyes and if you ask me if I love him I DOOOO!  Carter I know it’s a love song but I do love you!

I’d Lie link   http://youtu.be/pedWFHSWl7g

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Picture 764Lexi came in late but none the less has her own song I sing to her “Brown eyed girl” By Van Morrison. She so far, is the only one with those big brown eyes, and that makes her my Brown eyed girl. I have to search her out in the house and sing, twirl her around whenever the song comes on.

Brown Eyed Girl Link    http://youtu.be/-126K1EfroA

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Paige’s I have spoke of before “Build me up Buttercup” The first time I laid eyes on Paige in the neonatal unit this song just came to me. She had Auburn hair that reminded me of buttercups and I wanted to let her know I needed her more than anyone darling to build me up and not break my heart. Paige to this day lights up when she hears this song!

Buttercup baby link    http://youtu.be/HeP1Klmk0ng

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Ryan’s song was “Baby girl” by Sugarland. I could always see Ryan singing this song to me as an adult. Her blonde hair and big blue eyes have always spoke these words of a strong girl with dreams. She also was my baby girl for 7 years. She can belt this song out on a microphone like no other as well.

Baby girl Link    http://youtu.be/Y75lVEv7Tqw

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Elijah’s songs were “Trust” By Matt Hammitt, “Son of God” Dan and Kristen from church, and “The Redeemer” by Sanctus Real. The Redeemer is the song touched me the most. It says “I don’t have every answer in life, but I’m trusting you one day at a time. Cause you can make a weak heart stay alive forever”. Is that speaking of Elijah I think so. I’m still a dreamer,  I’m still a believer!

The Redeemer Link    http://youtu.be/ePuYCbxa8cg

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Now Stella, I though I had these figured out before she had even entered the world but come to find out, I was wrong. I downloaded the song “In my daughters eyes” By Martina McBride the day before Stella entered the world. I don’t know what put this song in my head but it was there. Now I sing Stella this song multiple times everyday and it brings tears of joy every time to my eyes. In Stella’s eyes I am a hero, strong and wise and I know no fear. But the truth is plain to see she was sent to rescue me. Wow how true these words are for me. “This miracle god gave to me gives me strength when I am weak”, “It’s hanging on when your heart has had enough”, “Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace”. This song is just amazing to me so true in every way and It touches everyone one of my kids for me. But when Stella looks at me with her big blue eyes and pierces me with those eyes I see grace and light. Thank you God!

In my daughters eyes    http://youtu.be/eLS0Y40WwlA

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Ron and I, our song as Ryan says it, your wedding songs “Bless the Broken Road” By Rascal Flatts.”I set out on a narrow way many years ago. Hoping I would find true love on along the broken road, but I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through, I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you. Every long lost dream, lead me to where you are lovers who broke my heart, they were like northern stars, pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true that God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you”. Ron it’s all part of the grander plan that is coming true!

Bless the broken road    http://youtu.be/Do32g82qilk

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