I finally am home after a nightmare of a week. You all know how it started finding out on Monday that our baby girl had passed. On Tuesday we checked in for induction and delivery of the baby. I had to deliver being to far along for just getting a D&C. After 28 hours of contractions I finally delivered the baby on Thursday April 24th. The medicine they gave me made me terribly sick throwing up and other terrible digestive issues. Then at 24 hours they stopped the medicine to help me contact and to give my body and my soul a break they wanted me to be able to sleep and we would restart on Thursday morning. They had given me the maximum doses of the induction medicine but my body was resisting letting Quinn come. I lay in my bed still having contractions even though the medicine was stopped and cried and asked for God to help me. To bring Ron and I peace. My sister and Ron never left my room afraid they would miss it. The doctors said when it would finally happen it would happen very quickly. My sister headed home after being at the hospital for hours with us for support, she needed to sleep for the night since they stopped the meds, we felt this was the right time for her to go. Ron had fallen asleep and I was alone with God pleading like I have many times in my life. Finally Jennifer one of my nurses came in to check on me and she decided she needed to give me something to sleep. She put the medicine in my IV and I prayed one last time before I drifted off. I woke up about an hour later and realized I was laying in a pool of blood. I called the nurse and woke up Ron afraid. They came in and in the middle of the night I delivered Quinn finally it was peaceful. I cried as Ron held my hand. We saw our baby and had her baptized/blessed. I was a little confused about this since I knew her soul was already gone. It was incredible to see this little angel she had the tiniest toes and fingers, the vision will never be gone from my mind. She looked perfect to me, her eyes were closed and her ear was just bigger than a letter on this page I write. Again though I know something went wrong in Quinn’s development but she looked perfect on the outside. After a few hours of tears and getting Quinn and myself cleaned up they laid me back down to sleep as I only had a few hours of sleep since Tuesday. I cried myself to sleep.
I again woke up an hour later again laying in a pool of blood. Was this normal I thought??? Ron called the nurse in and she realized I was bleeding out. They gave me medicine to stop the blood but it just kept coming 5 hours later and two shots to stop the bleeding they finally came in and told Ron they were taking me to surgery. They couldn’t figure out why I was bleeding and they needed to take a look. 20 minutes later I was heading into surgery and my sister had arrived back to the hospital just in time to hug me and sit with Ron as they waited. There was a chance with the bleeding and surgery that they may have to do a hysterectomy I did not want this. I told the doctor that was the last option. That was the last thing I remembered. I woke up in recovery yesterday and the first words out of my mouth was did they have to do a hysterectomy and nurse said no. I was relieved and thanked God then fell back under my sleep potion.
Almost everything that could go wrong did but we made it through. We just got home and I am relieved to start moving forward again. I know they say pain makes you grow and appreciate things, however I want to say I have had enough for a long time, let me heal my heart Heavenly father. Let me rejoice in my husband, children, and family.
I know a lot of you were wondering about Quinn. U of M fetal pathology came to get Quinn and do an autopsy so we may get some answers. but they said it can take up to 2 months to get the results. After they are done with Quinn she will be buried in the Arboretum gardens and her name will be hung.
Please we need prayers for healing and understanding and I have read many books about heaven and I believe Elijah has his little sister and is holding her. This brings me peace.
It wasn’t but two weeks ago that I shared with my friends and family the news of our newest addition that was going to be joining us in early fall. We found out at that time that we were having a baby girl that was clear of many chromosomal abnormalities. We named our newest addition Quinn Rose. We were thrilled with this news and just awaiting her heart scan. Fast forward two weeks later and I was going to my normal appointment. I dropped Lexi off at school and Stella and I ventured into Lansing for our standard easy appointment. The office was happy to see Stella and I. Ron, Wendy or my mom did not join me because it was just going to be in and out quick. That was until Dr Maser checked for a heart beat. Stella was sitting next to me as the Dr scanned and scanned and scanned we heard only my heart beat. My chest started to get heavy with each passing second, I said to Dr Maser you know you have to scan me and he said yes. He took me into Glenna, the ultra sound tech and we again placed Stella on my side and started the scan. Dr Maser stayed the whole time until we realized Quinn had no heart beat. I could see a perfectly form little baby and no heart beating. I turned and said she has no heart beat he asked Glenna to do a couple different looks and still nothing. Two perfectly formed arms, two legs just no heart beat. I told the doctor I needed to call someone I was alone and Stella was beginning to feel my broken heart. She was beginning to cry. Dr Maser placed me in the same room I received the bad news about Eli and he stepped out to arrange things while I had time to call Ron and pulled myself together the best I could. Stella was having a hard time so I couldn’t be upset so I could calm her down. I prayed and told God I trust him and know he knows what is best. Dr Maser stepped back in and we went over my options.
I have pondered all day how do I tell everyone that I lost our baby after just posting to you all. I was in my 2nd trimester and had a lot of the testing back so I felt I was safe to share. My friend suggested I write hear and post it. If you read it you will know and if you don’t than that is fine as well. It was an exciting week with Stella’s first birthday and also a sad week with it being the anniversary of Eli and now we have another loss just so sad.
I do want to thank God for our perfect daughter and children. I will always be thankful for the gifts I have received and rejoice in the fact that God has many rooms!
Today has just been one of those days that I have thought of my beautiful little Elijah a lot. The weather outside here is gloomy and rainy, spring is getting ready to dawn. I was busy all day with work and the kids. still over and over I found myself singing Son Of God in my head. This song is so beautiful but it still haunts me deep in my soul. I am once again brought back to time in my life that will never leave, that has become part of who I am and how I am. I can no longer go to church without crying. I am not crying because of anger but crying because I know this is when I am closest to my angel Elijah and my heavenly father. The song says “I lay down and rest because I work no longer. I breathe in refreshed, no more soil and disgrace. I look up to him to whom I am kneeling and I see delight, there in my fathers face.” This verse makes me think of the moment I felt Elijah take his last breath. I picture Elijah taking his first deep breath in God’s arms and it brings peace and comfort. I think of how hard this little boy worked to stay and fight but how relieved he was to fight no longer. The next verse says “I fight no longer, there be right or good or prove my own worth. I’m not driven, or pushed or weighed down with duty but filled with relief of what Christ did for me.” Wow these words haunt me the most because I now. I as Elijah’s mom expected so much out of my little one and let him suffer probably too long.
I am not writing for any reason except for you mothers out there who have read this blog and are going through similar situations, or for those of you who have lost a loved one to say, we remember everyday . Some days are stronger than others and some days are less but it is everyday. I had a friend ask me how often I think of Elijah every second, every minute, every hour, or every day. My answer was all of the above it just depends on the day. The memories are still sad but filled with so much love and emotion. Every night I pray with Stella and we pray about Elijah. We pray that he knows we love him and he is our hero. I just remember the lyrics that say “I’m an heir, I’m adopted my brother is Jesus, I’m a son of God, and my soul is a peace.” I thank you God for this!
Again a reminder that I do not proof read due to emotions.
Today is the birthday of my best friend Mary Jo! I have been thinking all week about what I can do that would meaningful for my friend. Yesterday it hit me, write about her! Let everyone know what an amazing friend I am lucky enough to have in my life. Mary Jo just happened into my life only four short years ago through our daughters Paige and Hailey. It is funny how life leads us exactly where we are suppose to go, if we follow. It was the first year the kids and I moved to Royal Oak from Holt to start the next chapter of our lives. The kids were starting a new school with all new friends and I was as well. In Holt I had always been a large part of the school and activities around the school but in Royal Oak I was working full time with no support system but Ron and our neighbors. That was until I met Mary Jo.
I will never forget the first time I met MJ it was Halloween and the girls were in Mrs. Mentag’s 1st grade together. Hailey had befriended Paige and they were best friends very quickly. MJ was the class mom and I had gone to help with the party. A very tall and very friendly witch approached and introduced herself as Hailey’s mom and so it began. Throughout that first year Makenna, MJ’s oldest daughter formed a crush on my Carter, Paige and Hailey’s bond grew stronger and Ryan and Charlotte began a friendship as well. Mary Jo was one of the first people I told about being pregnant with Elijah though we were just forming our friendship as well. MJ has a way about her that just makes you feel safe, she listens and is there, however I had no idea of what she would help me through at this time. I was so sick while pregnant with Eli, MJ was always quick to help. When I almost miscarried E, MJ was the one who took all my kids and took care of them. When I found out E was sick while pregnant MJ sat with me and took care of me and so it began the true trust and care I needed with my family away for the first time in my life. When E was born MJ came to the hospital multiple times and was just there to let me cry on her shoulder and cry with me. When we lost our precious boy, and my family was gone MJ was here everyday. Stopping by, letting me talk, making me drink tea, letting me cry and helping me through. She sheltered me from questions and stares at school, she took all the questions and told everyone how I was strong and getting through. It was hearing this over and over that made me strong. She helped with the kids. She made me laugh and feel normal and so my life started to become normal. Then I was pregnant for Stella and I was scared, I could share things with MJ that I couldn’t share with anyone because everyone else needed me to be strong, not MJ she could take it and listen. MJ has now become a part of our family she is Auntie MJ.
Mary Jo I don’t know if you will ever truly know what you have done for me and my family, or what an amazing person, friend, woman, mom, sister, and daughter you are. So I am going to tell you how I feel. You are beautiful inside and out. Your soul is soft and kind, it is caring and tender. Your laughter fills a room as well as your presence. Your smile is welcoming and loving. You are safe, and careful with feelings, you are full of life and zest. You know how to dance and take over a dance floor. When you walk in a room you make everyone look and want to know you. You are strong and can handle stress and we all know you have had your fair share of this as of late. You can do anything with your positive attitude and these are only a few things that makes you the amazing person you are. MJ the world is at your finger tips grab hold and hold on tight.
The Farhat family loves you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I thought I would share about another cool butterfly visit for the family. I had my friend Sandee bring me a beautiful canvas of a butterfly on Thursday because of the prior post and encounter by our Elijah butterfly. I hung it so everyone could see it and each one of the kids recognized immediately the symbol of this canvas and asked where it came from. I told each one and they all smiled and had a moment to think about their baby brother. I have taken Stella to look at the canvas several times and each time tell her about her strong brother. It is now a picture everyone can look at and feel their brothers presences in their life.
Fast forward three days it is Carter’s football game and the sun is shining. Lexi is sitting between Ron and I in the stands with her arms looped through each of our arms. Paige and Ryan are playing and Mary Jo is walking Stella. Carter makes a GIANT tackle on the side closest to us. It’s the kind of tackle that he plants his feet and takes all his strength (because the other kid is at least a foot taller and has 25 pounds on him) he then grabs hold and turns the other boy across his body and throws him to the ground. If anyone knows me at Carter’s game I am the proud mom. Cheering on the entire team making sure I know the roster so I can let them know I see how they are all playing so well. When Carter makes a play he listens for me in the stands to make sure I saw, this tackle was so great he knew everyone saw the crowd erupted and his name was called by many. As I sat back down after yelling “way to go C” Lexi grabbed my arm again and pointed above us. There it was a beautiful monarch butterfly right over us. How she spotted it I have no idea but it was there and it went right out and flew over Carter on the field, It was magic. Lexi, Ron and I witnessed this beautiful magical moment and I knew Elijah was still watching over us.
I told Carter yesterday about what we saw after he made that tackle and he said “E”! I said yes.
Today is Paige’s tenth birthday. Not a day has gone by since the birth of Paige that I have not felt grateful for this little fighter. I know I’ve wrote of Paige last year and all we have fought through with Paige, a premature birth, Tumors through out her right leg, and her battle with Crohn’s Disease. Paige has been through a lot in her ten years but we look at it as she is a fighter and it has made all of us stronger and better. Paige knows she lives a blessed life even with her illness. She is sweet, kind, loving and always smiling.
Paige, is perhaps the most kind hearted little soul I have experienced. Not to say she doesn’t have a moment, but they are very rare. She has faith that you don’t see in many children her age. She loves her friends and family. She is sensitive and silly. Paige has won over Stella’s heart, Stella can see the love that radiates from Paige to her. She immediately responds to Paige, with that trusting little smile that says I know how much Paige loves me. Paige is patient and doesn’t get frustrated, she works hard in school and cheer and excels at both. Paige has a love for life I wish everyone could experience. Happy Birthday to my sweet Paige, you are one of the most precious gifts I have ever received. Also you are what I always prayed for.
Saturday was Ryan Mae’s 8th birthday. It seems amazing to me that she is already 8 years old. she is almost as tall as her sisters Lexi and Paige and is turning into such a beautiful girl. Recently my friend Mary Jo took amazing pictures of the kids for my parents grand children wall (it was past time for an update of the wall photos) and I wanted to share with you Ryan and her beautiful smile and eyes!
I again feel so blessed to have this little girl as my daughter. In the past 5 months I have seen her embrace being a big sister with such ease. Ryan is so proud of her baby sister she wants to carry Stella everywhere for all to see. Ryan is still a lover of playing outside and wants to be in with her brother and the neighbor boys games, though they rarely allow this. Ryan has spent a lot of summer having sleepovers with her best friend Charlotte and they have made up dances and cheers, they have laughed and sang. Charlotte has worked on kart wheels with Ryan as well as Paige and Lexi, Ryan almost has these down if only she could land them everything else is perfect! Ryan bought a new skate board and pads with her birthday money and has been trying to perfect this new activity as well, she is always ready to try something new!
Ryan loves to help, she loves candy, and to sing, she loves with an open heart. Ryan wears cowboy boots with dresses, and can rock on her guitar. She is still very strong willed and loves to make large messes, she may even love to “stir the pot” if you know what I mean (I blame this on the male influences in her life, her dad, Carter, Ron and Pa). Ryan is strong and unique and I love her for exactly all the reasons listed. Happy Birthday my little one, your still my baby girl!