Today has just been one of those days that I have thought of my beautiful little Elijah a lot. The weather outside here is gloomy and rainy, spring is getting ready to dawn. I was busy all day with work and the kids. still over and over I found myself singing Son Of God in my head. This song is so beautiful but it still haunts me deep in my soul. I am once again brought back to time in my life that will never leave, that has become part of who I am and how I am. I can no longer go to church without crying. I am not crying because of anger but crying because I know this is when I am closest to my angel Elijah and my heavenly father. The song says “I lay down and rest because I work no longer. I breathe in refreshed, no more soil and disgrace. I look up to him to whom I am kneeling and I see delight, there in my fathers face.” This verse makes me think of the moment I felt Elijah take his last breath. I picture Elijah taking his first deep breath in God’s arms and it brings peace and comfort. I think of how hard this little boy worked to stay and fight but how relieved he was to fight no longer. The next verse says “I fight no longer, there be right or good or prove my own worth. I’m not driven, or pushed or weighed down with duty but filled with relief of what Christ did for me.” Wow these words haunt me the most because I now. I as Elijah’s mom expected so much out of my little one and let him suffer probably too long.
I am not writing for any reason except for you mothers out there who have read this blog and are going through similar situations, or for those of you who have lost a loved one to say, we remember everyday . Some days are stronger than others and some days are less but it is everyday. I had a friend ask me how often I think of Elijah every second, every minute, every hour, or every day. My answer was all of the above it just depends on the day. The memories are still sad but filled with so much love and emotion. Every night I pray with Stella and we pray about Elijah. We pray that he knows we love him and he is our hero. I just remember the lyrics that say “I’m an heir, I’m adopted my brother is Jesus, I’m a son of God, and my soul is a peace.” I thank you God for this!
Again a reminder that I do not proof read due to emotions.