Here I sit once again with Son Of God playing in the back ground and I write with so much coming my way in the next few weeks. We will be welcoming Stella Grace in the world and also mourning the one year mark of Elijah’s birth and death. I am clinging to God and his promises as well as my friends and loved ones as I deal with all these mixed emotions.
Two weeks ago my family threw a beautiful little shower for Stella and I. Who would have thought that, that act of love and excitement would cause so many tears for me. As I sat opening little pink sleepers and receiving blankets trying and show happiness and excitement all I could feel was sadness that I had never experienced this Elijah. That I had never allowed myself true excitement and happiness about his little body and the miracle of his sweet soul growing inside me, this of course was because I had been so scared and overwhelmed by the situation. Then came the guilt that I felt because of this. A year of reflection and mourning behind me and I still do not understand.
How does one cope with these different emotions. I try to live each baby in the moment I am in. Grieving when I feel I need to grieve and rejoicing when the time is there. As the day approaches for Stella’s birth and the 1 year mark of Elijah’s life my heart is crying out for peace. Last night as I lay awake for hours this was my prayer “please heavenly father bring me peace” over and over again I spoke this. Maybe it will take holding Stella and seeing the full blood sister of our Eli. Maybe seeing if they look alike or feeling his presence in her. I pray he is happy to see us with Stella and that he will be her guardian angel. I pray he knows I’m sorry and that I love him so deeply. I pray for God’s grace and peace.
As the lyrics of Son of God ring out I am comforted by the fact that Elijah is a son of god and his soul is at peace, now to get mine on the same page.
I am reminding everyone again I do not proof read these blogs because it is too hard.
4 responses to “Torn between two emotions”
I will apologize for writing a book right now, but I feel compelled by your post. I so know exactly how you are feeling and I know how hard it is. Take one day at a time, just like you did before. It is so natural to relive everything during this anniversary time. I know that I did and I cried so much. I felt guilty for crying, because of the new baby and I felt guilty for being happy about a new baby when my little Gabriel was gone. Just remember that all of your feelings are normal and cut yourself some slack. Allow yourself to grieve. It is OK. And allow yourself to celebrate and be excited and happy. It is OK, too and Elijah will understand. There is no need to feel guilty. He would want you to be happy and he knows that he will always hold a special place in your heart. He is the son who will always remain with you when all the other kids have grown and gone on with their lives. He knows how much you love him. No other baby will ever replace him or his place in your heart, just like no child that is living replaces or removes one of your other children from your heart. On a totally different and strange note, I feel compelled to share this with you. My 2.5 year old son moved rooms shortly before the 1 year anniversary to make room for his new baby brother. A little over a week after the 1 year anniversary of Gabriel’s death, my son told me that “the baby ghost wasn’t in his room anymore.” I had no idea what this meant and asked him a couple of times to repeat what he said. His only context for ghosts are the silly ones drawn in a couple of his Halloween books along with silly little witches and pumpkins. It was so odd, that I asked everyone who had been around him if they had talked about ghosts with him and they said no. So a couple of weeks later, I asked him about the baby ghost again. He calls the ghost the “baby ghost” and the “little ghost” interchangeably and this is what I got from him. And please realize I’m not crazy nor do I have a strong belief in hauntings and the like, but I am spiritual and do believe that the spirits of our loved ones are around after they pass. I did as a child see my grandmother after she died and found out much later in life that my sister had seen the same thing. Anyway, back to Nicholas. I know when my child is making up stories as he has to think before he speaks and he laughs, because he is being silly. All of these answers came quickly and he was very serious. He told me the little ghost was in his old room. He wanted to go look for him and was disappointed when we went in that room and he wasn’t there. He showed me right in the room where the little ghost usually was. He told me that the little ghost didn’t talk, but that he “kept his mouth shut”. He said the little ghost would sit with him and stay for awhile and then go home. He then said “I love that little ghost. He’s nice to me.” I asked how was he nice and he said “because he sits with me and plays with me.” My nanny said it (and I had noticed it, too) that since my son has been in his new room, he doesn’t lay in bed and sing like he used to. When you would put him to bed, he would be in there sometimes for hours singing at the top of his lungs every song he could think of and laughing. He doesn’t do that now that he is in his new room and it makes me wonder if he was singing with his little brother Gabriel. I know you had your signs with the butterflies that you shared previously and I have to say that I was so jealous that you had seen a sign from your son. I now believe that I have seen one through my other son. Our sons are with us and they know we love them and they are at peace. Again, I apologize for the long post and I hope you don’t think me a rambling idiot. I just felt compelled to share and hope that some of this can help you in some way, because I do know how hard all of this is. My thoughs and prayers with you during this difficult time. Grieve for Elijah. Celebrate Stella. Do whatever you feel at the time and don’t feel guilty. You will get through this and Elijah will totally celebrate and understand your happiness for Stella. He will want you to be happy. Take care….
Thank you so much for sharing and I appreciate everything you have just shared. God works in every way and I found the Baby Ghost to be very touching. God knows how to revile himself in the perfect way to each of us.
I can’t wait to hold my precious Stella and know Elijah will be celebrating with us on the day Stella is born and he will be so happy when God wraps his grace around us.
When your new baby come you need to post a picture so I can see your special grace!
PS Stella’s nursery is covered with butterflies, stars, and baby birds. Encompassing all of gods signs in out lives.
Oh I love the the theme of your nursery. 🙂 You should post pics of that. It sounds beautiful!!! And I will post a pick when he is born. I can’t wait to see your beautiful little Stella… 🙂