Here I sit once again with Son Of God playing in the back ground and I write with so much coming my way in the next few weeks. We will be welcoming Stella Grace in the world and also mourning the one year mark of Elijah’s birth and death. I am clinging to God and his promises as well as my friends and loved ones as I deal with all these mixed emotions.
Two weeks ago my family threw a beautiful little shower for Stella and I. Who would have thought that, that act of love and excitement would cause so many tears for me. As I sat opening little pink sleepers and receiving blankets trying and show happiness and excitement all I could feel was sadness that I had never experienced this Elijah. That I had never allowed myself true excitement and happiness about his little body and the miracle of his sweet soul growing inside me, this of course was because I had been so scared and overwhelmed by the situation. Then came the guilt that I felt because of this. A year of reflection and mourning behind me and I still do not understand.
How does one cope with these different emotions. I try to live each baby in the moment I am in. Grieving when I feel I need to grieve and rejoicing when the time is there. As the day approaches for Stella’s birth and the 1 year mark of Elijah’s life my heart is crying out for peace. Last night as I lay awake for hours this was my prayer “please heavenly father bring me peace” over and over again I spoke this. Maybe it will take holding Stella and seeing the full blood sister of our Eli. Maybe seeing if they look alike or feeling his presence in her. I pray he is happy to see us with Stella and that he will be her guardian angel. I pray he knows I’m sorry and that I love him so deeply. I pray for God’s grace and peace.
As the lyrics of Son of God ring out I am comforted by the fact that Elijah is a son of god and his soul is at peace, now to get mine on the same page.
I am reminding everyone again I do not proof read these blogs because it is too hard.