My thoughts always fill my head before sleep. Last night was no different. As I lay trying not to vomit and just breath, as every muscle in my body ached from falling down the front steps in the snow storm and my new Tracey Anderson pregnancy project workout, my head was filled with 2012 and all that has happened. It was truly a year of despair, of love, of learning, listening, and feeling. Not only did we experience great joy we experienced great heartache.
2012 started out with the news of Elijah and Paige both being very ill. The end of January brought the death of Ron’s Sido (Grandma) after a long stay in hospice. February and March brought almost daily doctor appointments between myself and Paige. April came and so did Elijah, I remember being so relieved and happy the moment I saw and heard Eli screaming his little lungs out and thinking he was the most beautiful boy. his head of dark hair his cherub checks his full lips. How was it possible to have such and perfectly beautiful baby have a broken heart??? He didn’t look sick he looked perfect, it was true love. Through the next two weeks we were faced with fear, happiness, love, hope, the words no parent wants to ever hear “it’s time, he is suffering and we can do no more”. The end of April the greatest loss, and heartbreak. May brought more unknown feelings, questions, love, and support. My sales team was let go, and I didn’t even have the job I loved. Summer came and so did some relief of pain. I was able to spend quality time with the kids, My 35th birthday was in June and independence day around the corner. Our wonderful friends and family had surrounded us and provided us a safe place where we were free to mourn, free to laugh, free to come back to ourselves. July brought a new job in my industry, it also brought a new little miracle growing inside me. I could feel the tide changing starting in July of the good things that were to come. The light was coming up in out life’s. Paige had her first clean blood test and hadn’t loss any more weight. School started the kids were happy and smiling. Ron and I could once again take a breathe without feeling the ache in our chests. October brought more good news as Stella’s CVS came back normal, and then in early December with a good level II ultrasound and fetal echo-cardiogram. Paige had three perfect blood tests and gained 2 1/2 pounds!!!! Christmas came and we had all the kids for Christmas eve and Christmas morning. The family attended Christmas eve service at Riverview and Noel spoke about the light we all are and how we were given this gift when Jesus was born. What a perfect message for our family since it is what I refer to all the time in my writing and words to the kids and to you all. As we all turned on the little lights we were each given I could see how the light has been coming up since June. We laughed, we loved, we sang, we cherished each other and all we have. We were Thankful.
I hope 2013 is the year for all of us and may the light shine on us all!