It is hard to pull up the next part of my memories about what occurred after finding out about Elijah’s diagnosis of Hypoplastic Right Heart. I do have a few very vivid and life changing things I can write about. I think I was in shock so much that I can’t remember what I felt well enough to explain it at this time.
When Ron and I left the hospital December 22nd after having the level two ultrasound and finally the diagnosis we had to drive into Lansing. We had made plans with Ron’s cousin Tracy, Todd and their family as well as my sister, Alex, Nana, Chris, Cherri, and Joan, Mike and all the kids (something like 25 people). We were all heading to Peacock road tree farm to see Santa and ride the magic train. We were suppose to pick Lexi up on the way through to Lansing but the Ultrasound ended up taking nearly 6 hours and NO ONE expected this. Nana went and got Lexi to go who was wondering why he dad wasn’t there.I was busy calling everyone who was worried because they hadn’t heard from us in the 2 hour time frame we had been told. I made phone call after phone call telling our devastating news and fighting back tears with each conversation. Twenty minutes into the drive and between phone calls I looked to Ron who was sitting in silence with tears streaming down his face. I have never seen my husband cry! I have seen happiness, joy, frustration, anger, peace, comedy, anxiousness, blissfulness, exhaustion, but never this! This was sadness, this was sorrow, and this was fear, to name a little of it. Funny how as husband and wife we have never completely melted down, or lost it at the same time. Typically I am the on showing emotion and he is the one providing comfort, or calming me. I remember thinking here, I need to bring him hope, I need him to believe in Gods power to heal our baby through medicine. I sat and thought of the perfect words for what felt like 20 minutes when it actually was 30 seconds. I finally said they will help him Ron, he can make it and grow to be a normal little boy. He said no he wont, I had so many dreams for him and myself. I had a picture in my head how he was going to be and now it’s gone. I know it sounds horrible Ron said but I wanted to watch Elijah run and play, to play football, to live a healthy life, to grow old, and he wont. This is where I am finding words again hard because I wanted all those things too, I wanted to hold my new born to my breast, I wanted to never let him go through pain, I wanted peace , I wanted his little body cuddled into mine, I wanted to watch him play with his siblings and I was feeling all the same emotions as Ron, but I have to be the strong one. So I say they can fix him and yes he wont play football, and basketball, he wont be an elite athlete, but you weren’t either and you were loved. I say he will have to be in pain but in the end he will be held and raised by two parents who adore him, I say he will play with his siblings and they will laugh and we will all be in love with his smile and laughter. I say we love him and he isn’t the baby we thought we were going to have but he is the one that is in me and the one god wants us to have. I start to cry myself and say I love him and I am thinking please love him too I need you I can’t do this alone. Ron says I love him to and I am sad for him. We hold each others hand and cry I rub the back of Ron’s head and lay across the counsel of the suburban and give him the love, strength and comfort I can.
We make it into Lansing where we are faced with all of the kids, and all of our family. The kids don’t know anything is wrong, but the family does. We have to wear our strong faces and try to have fun with our children who are present, but it is hard. We force smiles and laughter, but in our heads we are fighting with every emotion. Also Ron’s Sido is in Hospice and is not going to make it longer. Christmas is just 2 days away and it is a time to celebrate the birth of our Jesus, with church, food, presents, family and it has never felt so hard.
We go to hospice everyday to see Sido and watch her as she fights off death. Ron comes in and sees Sido where the first words out of her mouth while looking right at him are “Ronnie’s going to have 5 kids!” Everyone is amazed by this, his grandma rarely is talking these days but finds the words perfectly clear to say this statement. She is amazed! If you know Ronnie I think you know no one ever expected him to find so much love and joy in a large family. Every time we came into the room even when she hadn’t spoken in days she would say “5 kids”. We would all laugh and say yes he will have his hands full. I remember one night sitting on Sido’s bed and I was giving her a massage she loved this! I laid my head by hers as I rubbed her dying body and said Sido I know you know I am pregnant, and I have a favor to ask of you, will you please watch down on Elijah for me? He is very sick and has a broken heart and needs you, and if he can’t pull through will you hold him for me? I have tears dripping down my face as I ask this. I believe she is. One last note the last words Sido spoke were to Ronnie. He had bent down by her ear and said Sido it is Ronnie I’m here and I love you and he was holding her hand, she said so everyone near could hear her “I love you”. I also think she knew Ronnie needed that as much as she did.
Forgive my multiple errors I’m sure are in this post. It was a hard post to write for me. It has been 1 month since we lost Elijah, and I felt the pain of this so great yesterday. I was flying in a plane and looking out at the clouds and finished reading the book Heaven is Real, and I was thinking heaven is real and Sido, Nunu, grandpa Parry, Grandma Lothian, and his big sister are all taking turns with Jesus and God holding our boy. To remind you at the funeral I picked the song Son of God to have sung, because we had played this in the hospital for Elijah and when he took his last breaths of life on earth. I know God had adopted Elijah as his son and is safe. I am selfish that I wanted him here with me longer, and I wanted to hold him but he is in the best place.
A post to the music link.