December of 2011 came and went. With it came the hustle and bustle of the holidays, school party’s, family get togethers, shopping, trips to see Santa, doctors appointments and diagnosis. Not only did I have the long awaited level two ultrasound scheduled, Paige had her colonoscopy and endoscopy. We were finally going to have some long awaited news for both kids. In December it was hard to worry about what was happening with the pregnancy with how busy our lives were. I was re-working Paige’s entire Diet and weighing her everyday and cheering when no more weight was coming off. A family trip was scheduled with Wendy, Alex and their family to go skiing. We do this every year and everyone was looking forward to this relaxing family time. We also bought a Suburban to fit our ever growing family, we said this was Elijah’s early Christmas present, but I think it was more Ron’s.
It was the day to take Paige for her day of procedures and she was not a happy girl about the IV or the medication. I had just won a New IPad from work and brought this for her to play while in the hospital, I held her on my lap and sang to her (music always makes us feel better, when we are scared, happy, sad, waiting, driving, we sing). Paige was taken into the procedure room, and we were able to stay with her until she fell asleep As she was going under I could see the fear in her eyes and I continued to sing in her ear so she would relax. After Mike (my ex husband) and I were taken to a waiting area and it wasn’t long until the Doctor came out and told us Paige had Crohns Disease, her intestines where filled with blood he couldn’t even see. The one thing we did not want to hear!!! Ok so here we go another overhaul of the cubbards and more medical education. I will never forget the doctor coming into talk to Paige and saying, “You will never ever eat fast food, or junk again. Unless you want to wear a poop bag” can you say wake up call for everyone.
Three days later it was the long awaited ultrasound. However the weekend before while in Lansing visiting our family Ron’s Sito (means grandma in Lebanon) was admitted to the hospital and was not doing well. Ron and I were sent into the small dark ultrasound room where my bladder was ready to burst with fluid and I was afraid I would wet my pants when the technician started the ultrasound. We saw our baby boy Elijah! He was moving like crazy and making it impossible for measurements. As she would try to measure his brain circumference he would shake his head no, if she try to measure his abdomen he would flip to his back. This behavior was the beginning of Eli always misbehaving during Ultrasounds and trust me we had many! The technician had me get up and do jumping jacks, walk the halls, roll back and forth to get him to change positions but he was always fighting back. 1 1/2 hours later we had all the measurements and so far he was perfect! Next was the heart scan and fetal echo-cardiogram. This is when I knew something was wrong. Our technician who had been very interactive with us up to this point became silent, I would ask questions and she wouldn’t answer it completely, I could feel the atmosphere change. She finally told us she was having a hard time getting some of the pictures and was going to see if the doctor would come look. 2 hours later, a text from Ron’s dad saying his Sito was being moved to Hospice, and a small tension filled argument between Ron and I and the doctor finally came in. He moved us to a different room and began to scan to watch blue and red fill and empty out of Elijah’s heart and then he turned the machine off and said the words “The baby’s heart is abnormal”. My heart sank. He told me to get cleaned up and he would meet us in the conference room. I got off the table in a daze, I cleaned my belly, and got dressed. We were escorted to the little room with couches to sit on. Ron and I sat close holding hands. The doctor drew a picture of the normal heart and then explained what Elijah’s looked like, basically crossing half of his heart away. Then telling us the words I will come to study for 4 months everyday “Hypoplastic right heart”. Our life changed that moment.
We left and it was the first time I ever saw Ron cry. His baby boy the one he dreamed of was given a possible fatal diagnosis and even if he did make it he was never going to be the boy we had been dreaming of raising. Not the boy who played football, and basketball, not the one I could hold when he born, not the one who would out live us. We started to mourn the baby we thought we were going to have and accept the baby boy growing in my belly, the one who kicked me, and hated ultrasounds, the baby who was awake at night and kept me awake, the one only I could feel, the one I sang to all day in the car while working. He was the baby I was in complete love with still!!!