“One of those days”

Today has just been “one of those days”. I woke up to the kids fighting with each other, it was gray outside, I had the baby I my mind. I use to say in the hospital with Elijah, I knew how my day would go by the weather. When it was sunny Eli had a great day proving he was a little fighter, and full of spunk. However when ever it rained outside or was gloomy he had a tough day. The day of his cath lab, his surgery, and the day he died it was pouring out. When I walked outside the morning of his surgery I was disturbed by the weather and spoke those words words to Ron. Like Eli does bad when it rains, Ron dismissing me as silly maybe. However I felt it in my gut and when we walked back to the Ronald McDonald house after Eli was placed on ECMO I said “I knew it was raining”. So the morning I walked upstairs from the basement of the Ronald McDonald house and I saw how hard it was raining I told my mom what I had experienced with the weather while we were in the hospital, and I knew it would be raining. To tell the truth almost the whole week rained after Eli had passed, up until his funeral. For the funeral the sun was shinning and it was very warm. However about 5 hours after the funeral it was the large storm that encompassed the state of Michigan, you know the one. I told Ron and the kids later I thought Elijah was shinning down on us during the funeral with acceptance from his heavenly father, however later god was sad, he was crying for us Elijah’s family on earth and our sadness. He was crying the way I did in the hospital when I had to hand Elijah over to Jenny the nurse. It is the kind of sob that is heartbreaking, gut wrenching, earth shattering. The kind I pray I never have to cry again or pray none of you ever have to experience. Even now the thought of that moment makes me heave with tears.  It has been just “one of those days” however I do have hope the sun is starting to come out and shine through the clouds. I believe it is looking for me 🙂


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5 responses to ““One of those days”

  1. Hang in there. I too have experienced that sob. But remember… Although you had to hand his body over, Elijah is with you always. He is in the sky and the trees and the breeze. He is in all that is good and the smiles that you feel. He is there when you are sad and he feels your love. And he is there in how this has changed your life. His energy lives on in all of the people he has impacted in his short life. Hugs from a stranger.
    Rebecca A

    • Thank you Rebecca I do know he is with me in spirit, some days I maybe am just more selfish than others and Want to be holding him myself. Thank you for your comment and I will take your hug.

      • Rebecca A

        Oh… That isn’t selfish. That is so normal and a mother’s love. Thank you for sharing your story. In some way it is helping me as well. I lost my baby boy in February. No one should ever have to go through this. Hang in there and trust in God that Elijah is happy and healthy. I know it is hard not to have him here with you, but someday you will have him. He is waiting for you in heaven.

  2. Sherrie Nunheimer

    Oh Tera I remember sobbing like that a long time ago. Different reasons but that same kind of cry. I look back now and see all of the good that has come from that situation and that cry. Nothing will bring your beautiful boy back to this earth but his memory will be with you always and just like the rain and sun you will good and bad days. It’s ok to cry when you feel you need to and laugh when you can. You will find yourself laughing more and more. Elijah is healthy and happy now with God. Remember you WILL see him again. Hugs and lots of love! More wine too 🙂

    • I know Sherrie I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. However yesterday I was triggered to that long morning I lived and felt the heartbreak come back hard. I love you and I can’t wait for wine and laughter when we get together.

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