Fear or Hope.

After the shock of what was discovered on Halloween, I went home and prayed all night. I looked up bible versus, I did not sleep, I pleaded and a calm finally came. I remember my grandma Parry again telling me a story about living in fear. My grandpa was gone and she was home with my Aunt Camille, and she thought someone was breaking into their home. She was frozen with fear, but she prayed a simply prayer, “When I am afraid, I will trust” she prayed this simple prayer all night and made it through the night safe from harm. I kept thinking of this simple story and little but dynamic prayer that night. I lay awake in bed and prayed and prayed. The sun came up and I had a renewed strength, I took the kids to school and went to work, I had decided to give my fear to God and trust that God had a plan for our life. My day went on I wasn’t obsessed thinking about the Cystic Hygroma on our baby and what this meant. I picked the kids up from school and came home to start dinner.

I was in the kitchen when Ron walked through the door. I think he was shocked to see I wasn’t crying and I was making dinner. I chit chatted with him and then went into the bathroom. The kids were outside playing and Ron was sitting on the couch, when I yelled for him. I am bleeding all over “Ron come quick I am miscarrying the baby”. He comes in and seems to not know what to say or do. I am not cramping I am just covered in bright red blood. I say get the kids and I will call out neighbor Angie to see if she can keep them while we go to the hospital. I call Angie they aren’t home, I call Mary Jo next, she says bring them over. We pile the kids in the car without telling them too much. Just that something may be wrong with the baby in my stomach. I dial Dr Maser and tell him we are headed to the hospital.

I call my Mom and Pat, I remember Pat saying maybe this is God’s way of making this easier. I am feeling very much similar in my thoughts. God knows the baby is sick and he calling her home. I have a calm feeling, I am not scared, I am trusting God and his decisions. Ron drops me at the door and I go to the desk and explain I am miscarrying and I am 12 weeks along. Ron finds me and I am sitting in triage, as we are sitting I feel another warm gush of blood coming from me, I am calm still. I pray “God I am trusting you”.

6 hours later after, no sleep, ultrasounds, exams, and throwing up,  we walk out of the hospital. I am still pregnant. I show no signs of miscarriage. In ultrasound the technician is quite to start, but by the end she is showing me our baby, telling me everything looked ok to her but the doctor had to read it to verify her findings. It is the first time Ron has seen our baby and in that moment I could see him fall in love. He asks the technician if she can tell the sex of the baby, she says no “I laugh”. The sack is intact, I am not dilated, the baby had a strong heartbeat, they don’t know how to explain all the blood except to say it could have been a cyst that burst or a blood vessel. I am not sure how to feel, Yes I am tired, and hungry, but emotionally what is it I feel? I am not relieved, I still an carrying a baby that has something wrong, but I am not upset I didn’t miscarry. I think God knows what he is doing and I am trusting. I speak my grandma’s prayer again several times that night.

Ron and I drop into bed and before my head hits the pillow I am asleep, It had been over 48 hours since I had slept and my body was not giving me a choice. I woke up the next day and was told to stay in bed for a few days and call my Doctor. We were scheduled the next morning for our CVS but when they heard about the night in the ER with a threatened miscarriage they reschedule our appointment for a week later due to the risks involved. We have to wait a week I try to talk them into the test, I say I understand the risks but I am no good at waiting, they don’t care.

I think back on this day a lot now that we know what happened and I question. Why didn’t God take Elijah this night? Why was I to carry and fall more in love by the day with him, only to have him be taken so quickly? What was my lesson? Why? I don’t understand?

The only thing I come back too, time, and time again is that Elijah was brought to earth to unite us in Love and Compassion, this brings me the only full peace I have felt.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Fear or Hope.

  1. Sandee Kingsley

    Tera, we are not to question why. There may never be a true answer. All we can do is learn and accept. Elijah had done so much. He was put on this earth for a reason, to unite us. He has forced us all to examine our faith. God has a plan for all of us. Some of us are called home much too soon, but they have accomplished so much!

  2. Sue Mutty

    Tera, you are listening to the voice of God and beautifully sharing the insights that are coming to you. Stay tuned. Our God is speaking to your heart and to all of us following your thoughts.

  3. Temma Severino

    Your story has made me tear up on more than one occasion. As you know god only gives us what we can handle. Each day you will remember happiness and the sorrow will fade, but will never forget.

  4. May His perfect peace surround you Tera – and your family as you journey forward. Thank you for sharing with others. Bless you dear.

  5. Tera, I continue to be amazed at your will and comforted by your faith. I believe you have the right to question, and you should question, as that is the only way to get your answers. It’s the only way to appreciate and trust even more. If you carried on just “going with it”, you would not gain the understanding that you have gained. And the rest of us would not benefit from your words. I look forward to our coffee/tea on Tuesday! May it be the first of many get togethers soon to come!!!

  6. Tera, I continue to be amazed at your will and encouraged by your faith. i believe questioning isn’t wrong nor does it show any lack of faith. If you were not to question, you would not gain a higher understanding. Also, we would not benefit from your words. I look forward to our coffee/tea on Tuesday and hope it is the first of many get togethers!!

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