So after the funeral Ronnie and I went back to my parents and spent the night, I haven’t slept more than 4 hours since Elijah has been born. My mind races, I am in constant prayer and or reflection, it just can’t let go. I feel sadness, I feel grief, I feel hope, and I feel guilt. This night I finally am able to rest I have maybe more closeure having just had the funeral.
I am praying in my head and all of the sudden I am back in the hospital with Ronnie. I am in the “Bullpin” I am running through looking for Elijah I can feel him, I know he is here. I pull back a curtain and here is my perfect baby. He has no tubes hooked to him, he is just laying in the crib, kicking his feet and smiling up at me, he knows who I am. He has a white gown I bought for his baptism on. He has dark brown hair, brown eyes, chubby little cheeks, his lips are full and beautiful. I pick him up and hold him to my chest hugging him so tight, Iam telling him I love him and I don’t understand how he is healed, but crying that he is, I am telling Ron he is healed look at him he is perfect, Thank god, It was a nightmare he was never sick he is perfect, Thank god. I wake up so happy, filled with so much peace and joy I can hardly contain myself, I turn to tell Ron that Elijah is not sick he is healed and it was just a bad dream. Reality hits as I am turning to wake Ron up it was all a dream, I have the most crushing feeling in my chest. I reach out and hold Ron and cry myself back to sleep.
I wake up and wonder if my dream was God telling me Elijah is perfect now and he does know who I am that he is waiting for me to hold him.