Here I am

As I write today I am writing only for myself, and how I am feeling. I sit alone, truly alone, no one in the house, no kids, no dog, no husband, no baby growing in me. I am scared, I am afraid no one will treat me like myself again, they will forget about my loving spirit, forget my laughter, forget me dancing all over the place, forget my chitter chatter, forget my silly ways or forget just having a glass of wine with me. I know I mourn for my baby, and I may cry, but this does not define me. I want everyone to know, I am ok to talk to you, I can talk about Elijah’s life, I can talk about his death, I don’t have to talk about him with you at all if your not comfortable, but I am Tera and I am the same person, mother, sister, and friend I have always been. Yes I did have something wonderful and sad happen to me but it is still me , it does not define me. I can be strong, I can be weak, I can be whatever you lead with. I don’t want to be left alone by family and friends as I have always turned to and needed you in the past, it is the same now. I want to share, if you want to hear. I can write, you can read, I can talk, you can listen, and vice versa.  I appreciate you all and love you, and wanted you to know I am here. Some of you may be mourning Elijah and I am here I can share and I will listen.



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25 responses to “Here I am

  1. Diana Arnold Crum

    Tera….I WISH I could have a glass (or even a bottle) of wine with you and we could dance, chitter chatter, laugh and cry!! I admire your strength and your faith more than you could EVER imagine or I could EVER explain. I feel a sort of closeness to you through this experience you have shared with me and many others. If you are ever in Ohio or I by chance come to Michigan (which has been known to happen for football games!! lol), I definitely want to hang out. You and Elijah have inspired me in a way that is difficult to explain and for that I thank you both. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening up yours during this wonderful yet sad event.

    • Thank you Diana! I will most likely be at those spartan tailgates and hope we can share a drink and toast an inspiring little angle! However I will be wearing green!

  2. Shannon Vlasic

    I think sometimes people just can’t fathom the gravity of what you feel, and don’t know how to initiate conversation. I felt this way when my best friend lost her husband… What can I possibly say? Words just could not express the things I felt in my heart, or wished I could speak. It’s an issue of hurting with and for you, but feeling like I have no idea what your real hurt and pain feels like… So any words that come out lack meaning and feel so generic.

    You are not a person that is easily forgotten. Even though it’s been so long since I have seen you, I still remember your fun personality and smile that lights the room. In time, people will adjust to all this. Thinking of you…

  3. Shelley kunz

    You don’t know me. I am following your story through my daughter. I am so very sorry for your loss. We can’t even imagine what it is like. Your testimony and your son’s life will touch lives that you won’t even know about. His life won’t go in vain and neither will your testimony of Gods love and mercy in our lives no matter what. May God bring peace to you and your family during time. He will carry you through.
    God bless you.

  4. Sandee Kingsley

    I understand your concern Tera. Sometimes people want to treat you like a delicate flower, when all you want is to be treated normal. Friends and family don’t always have the words. I can feel your frustration, as I have gone thru a rough 4 years battling Bipolar disorder. I have survived the very darkest of days, where there is no future and there is no hope, to the very brightest of days where I can take on the world and no one can stop me! It has been challenging as it tears relationships apart and puts distance between close friends. I don’t want to be defined as Bipolar, just as you don’t want to be defined only by someone who lost their child. Recovery is hard, but true friendship will not falter. I am here to talk. I love you and miss you

  5. Grieving is part of life. We all feel sad for Elijah. You are not alone. Let us hope for happy moments in the future for surely there will be some. God Bless.

  6. Jenna

    You write so eloquently and with heart and soul. You write what others are afraid to express! I simply love who you are. Your honesty is refreshing and will be healing for you and others. We can chat ANYTIME! Love to you.

  7. Glad you’re here Tera! I used to work with Cherri and love to pray, chat or blog with people from Holland, MI. You are right…many will not know what to say, how to approach and will be distant but keep letting them know you are here!! I am glad!!!

  8. Holly Corr

    I don’t know how we are going to do it, exactly, but we are going to have a glass of wine…maybe even a glass and a HALF of wine :o] Thank you for sharing Eli with the world.

  9. Cherie Gibbs

    You are not alone you are an inspiration to mothers and fathers who have lost a child. You are an inspiration for all Christ followers on how strong your faith is going through this tragic loss of you beautiful son. your faith and love for Christ has strengthen even more Please know this Tera you are an amazing woman of Christ and an inspiration to us all. God Bless you my sister in Christ

    Love Always
    Cherie Gibbs (holly and Joey corr’s cousin)

  10. Nicole

    I am friends with kaitlyn Anderson, and she shared your story with me. I have been following it for over a week now, and I just was thinking about Elijah. I found her page, and went to your blog link… My heart is heavy right now, and I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Your little angel has impacted my life, and I will make a donation to the foundation. He has touched my heart. I wish you and your family comfort during these difficult times. Thank you for sharing your story.

  11. Laura Nott

    Tera you can always call and talk to me. As you know Im a good listner and Im always there for you. Thank you for sharing Eli’s life with all of us and sharing all the up’s and downs. You truly are a very strong and inspirational person. Love you.

  12. I won’t ever forget all that you are, I love who you are and who you always have been. I wish I could have a glass of wine with you. Might be home this weekend to hang with Andra, I’ll touch base and maybe we can do that.

  13. Robin

    Tara you are one strong woman. God has blessed you immensely. You are an inspiration to others with your faith and you have touched many.

  14. Penny Adams

    You are so right about people treating you like a fragile flower, but you are also lucky to have some alone time. When I lost my daughter I had no alone time for 3 weeks and finally had to beg my husband to leave for the day and not have someone there to sit with my. Like you said no-one wanted to talk about my daughter (not even my husband ) and I desperately needed to talk about her. I wish you the best in your healing process and my prayers will be with your family.

  15. Sherrie Nunheimer

    Tera, or what did whale used to call you? oh yes terarizer 🙂 Honey, you will always be the crazy girl who spend endless nights at our house growing up. Yes you lost a beautiful baby boy and he will be with you always, but you are still you. We all go through “stuff” that we carry with us but we are still us! When you are at your parents visiting, or just in town call and come over to chat (like you used to in high school)! As you know whale makes wine so we have an endless supply! We love you and are praying for you and will be glad to laugh, cry and have wine with you.

  16. Tera,
    Again, you don’t know me, but I know exactly how you feel. You will be changed forever, but you are still here and are still you. I wish I knew you so I could come over and chat (oh yeah and I live about 1500 miles away which is another problem) and hang out. I hope you do have friends who will do that with you. And you are approaching it right to know that some won’t know how to react or what to do. I’ve been on both sides of this coin. And it is good not to judge how they react. People do want to be here for you. Hang in there… A long distance hug from someone you don’t know!!
    Rebecca A.

  17. Friend

    With open arms you will be welcome to all. Make everyone feel comfortable with your kind smile. You have a friendly way about yourself, continue to do that. People will treat you different at first out of respect for you. If you head them off with your openess it will all take care of itself.

  18. Karin

    Beautiful,Tera. I spent a few weeks morning Micah alone with my husband but then desperately needed to be me… But people were scared, uncomfortable or worried to offend me… And most relationships never were the same. I am so glad you wrote this so that people will know that you are still YOU. I admire you. Your strength, your ability to share your son and your heart.

  19. Tera, even though I don’t know you personally, I wanted to reach out and tell you how wonderful I think you are. I’m a distant cousin (grandparents are Sheik and Joyce Farhat) and as is the case with a lot of the Farhat family, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you, and only today found out about Elijah. I’ve read your story and felt compelled to simply say, God bless you and Ron and your family. It’d be my pleasure to have wine with you anytime. 🙂 xoxo

  20. Tera, though I don’t know you personally, I feel compelled to reach out and tell you how wonderful I think you are. I’m a distant cousin (grandparents are Sheik and Joyce Farhat) and as is the case with much of the Farhat family (being so large), I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you and Ron. I only found out about Elijah and your story this morning, and simply want to say God bless you and Ron and your family. Your strength through what is a heartbreaking time is amazing. And I’d love to have wine with you anytime. 🙂 xoxo

  21. Elaine/Dic Putnam

    You are truly an inspirationfor all! I can’t begin to describe how much your journey has effected the lives of our family and friends.Prayers,
    Elaine/Dic Putnam

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