Here we sit in the waiting room trying to focus on anything but what is happening.I hear the murmur of everything from talk about the girls dance recital, to not liking nuts in bake goods, it’s just weird. I write, I wait, don’t think, don’t think, I write.
Last night we went to our new home the Ronald McDonald house feeling exhausted from being at the hospital all day. The emotional toll of talking about Eli’s surgery could wear you down alone but we are all faced with waiting to hear from the neurologists, cardiologists, surgeons, Kidney function, we hear mortality rates, recovery times, the list goes on and on. I think when my head hits the pillow I wont wake up until I feel a certain sting letting me know it’s time to pump, I was wrong. I pray and pray. I pray for Elijah to know what it’s like to feel the comfort of me holding him, I pray he will laugh, that he will play with his his siblings, I pray he will know god, I pray he will use his struggles to teach of god one day, I pray we go on vacation, I pray for god to use Dr Bove to heal my son, I pray for gods will, I pray and pray, all night. 5:00 am I’m up, I need my son, I need to see him and hear him, I know I will hold him. I wake up Ron and I wait for him to shower and I’m on my knees again I pray for peace, I pray for strength, I pray for god to hold me.
Allison our nurse is waiting for us to get to the hospital she is going to let us hold Elijah for the 1st time ever since he was born. I am ready they place his tiny body in my arms, I cry. Tears stream down my face and drip onto my boy. He can hear my heart, he seems peaceful, he tries to open his eyes and look at me. I hold him, I sing to him, I smile and tune out all the monitors and IV’s And all I see is my miracle boy. Ron holds him, I treasure seeing daddy at peace with Eli, looking into his eyes holding his hand. For a brief moment everything feels perfect. Then Jenn our nurse says it’s time to get him ready, they lay Elijah back on the bed for transport, it is like Elijah knows something is happening his eyes are opening and he is looking around. I am there I tell him, I love him and he is strong and I’m waiting, I tell him over and over. We love you strong boy, god is holding you…they leave. I am standing their trying to fight tears I pick up my things and I move to wait.