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Well I will get right to it Stella Rocks! We had our level II ultrasound today as well as the fetal echo cardiogram, both came back perfect. We have a little rock star on our hands. Stella measured in the 50th percentile and had a perfect heart! What a relief, I just laid on the table and cried with happiness, relief, peace, so many other emotions. Ron and I haven’t stopped smiling since we left!

It was a restless night of sleep for both Ron and myself. I have been struggling with sleep through the entire pregnancy to be honest. Two nights ago I had a dream about Stella Grace, in the dream a whole group of our family and friends are singing over Stella who lays wrapped in front of us. We are singing the song “This is grace” by Matt Hammitt. In a earlier post named Grace which was wrote after Elijah’s passing I speak of this song. The part that gets me the most in the song is when Matt sings, “This is grace, this is grace, when we walk through the dark night. This is grace, this is grace, so we wait for the sun rise. I have faith the sun will rise.” I believe this was God letting me know the sun would rise on our family today and it did!

I have spoke several times about how we chose our babies names again today I remember why we chose her name Stella Grace.

Stella means star

Grace 

Definition: The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred.

Grace 

Definition: The divine favor toward man; the mercy of God, as distinguished from His justice; also, any benefits His mercy imparts; divine love or pardon; a state of acceptance with God; enjoyment of the divine favor.

Grace 

Definition: Beauty, physical, intellectual, or moral; loveliness; commonly, easy elegance of manners; perfection of form.

Last I want to thank everyone who prayed for us! Those of you who have supported us throughout this year, and wished us well or sent positive thoughts in our direction, IT WORKED SO FAR!!!!

Stella singing to us! 12-12-12

The pregnancy and our lives are moving along at a rapid pace it hard to believe I am a couple of days shy of 19 weeks along, about half way there! Over the last week I have been struggling with sickness still, even going into be treated for nausea and dehydration (this is while I am still taking my medicine to help combat the nausea). My belly is swelling and everyday I am getting bigger and bigger. Stella is kicking and I can feel her a few times everyday. I have a heart monitor that I used with Elijah so I can listen to her heart beat every morning and night typically around 150 beats a minute. I have faith she is growing stronger everyday!

I write today because I have been having a hard time sleeping the last couple of nights due to my constant dreams. I am dreaming of Elijah a lot again. Reliving all we went through which would wake anyone up. I am looking down on the situation and watching it unfold, I wonder if this is because everyday we are getting closer to Stella Grace’s heart scan. The scan is scheduled for next Wednesday the 12th of December. I have also been asked to write about our experience with ECMO. I realize this is something I would have to work on greatly to be able to share, it is not an experience Ron or I ever want to relive, so maybe this request has triggered my dreams. Though I try to push thoughts and the scared feelings away I must be holding on to them for my sleep. I really do believe Stella is healthy in my heart but it is my subconscious that is making me nervous.

I know I ask for your help a lot, and again today I am asking for our friends and loved ones to pray for God’s grace on our family and for our precious Stella. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep water in the day of my disaster the Lord was my support. He brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:16-19

I can’t wait to come here next week and share our findings!

I know it was only last week I wrote for Thanksgiving and here I am so soon with another post, crazy . As I was sitting this morning eating my shredded wheat the phone rang and I saw it was “Maser’s Office”, if you forgot Dr Maser is my OBGYN and has been a part of every pregnancy in my life and is really starting to feel like family. However my heart started beating faster because I knew he had test results from my last blood work. We were testing for Neural Tube defects. As I heard Lisa his MA say “Tera we got the results”I found it impossible to speak (another crazy scenario I know), and time seemed to stand still. I had enough time to think in my head, Oh God please let Stella be OK, please don’t let Lisa have bad news. My heart was pounding and the ever familiar feeling of my throat constricting and  tightening of my chest. Then she said it “you tested negative for any Neural Tube defects”. I almost cried instantly but held it back and instead was just so relieved and thankful for yet more good news.  I told Lisa how nervous/scared I was and I think we were both thinking how relieved we were to have this news.

Two months ago I had made an unexpected trip to Dr Maser because I have had spotting from the beginning with Stella. He always has me come in and run a scan to make sure all is well, so far so good! This day two months ago as my sister Wendy and I sit together in the “room of doom” as I call it, due to the fact it was were I was told Elijah had a Cystic Hygroma and my life was changed forever. Dr Maser said this is an appointment of good news, we are going to have “Good news only today!”. Will I ever feel good news is going to happen again, or am I really changed that much?

Five years ago I was given a gift from my sister and I know many of you may have seen me wear it, it is my “Faith Necklace”. This necklace has brought me peace in many situations were I have felt loss or like my life was out of control. It is a reminder to me to have faith that God is working in my favor. I might not realize it in the situation but I will in the end. When I was admitted to U of M for preterm labor with Elijah it was unexpected and I was not packed and didn’t have my necklace. The day after Elijah suffered his heart attack at two days old my sister asked me where my necklace was knowing I needed to be reminded of my “Faith”, I called my mom and asked her to find it and bring it to me. When she brought it that evening I went into the private bathroom in the hospital 30 feet from Elijah’s bed and locked myself in. I placed the necklace on and got down on my knees and prayed “Please God, you know what is best and though I want Elijah for myself, I have Faith you are all knowing and I trust you” I sat back on my knees with my heels in my butt and my head in my hands, and the peace filled me. I felt strong and ready to be lead. I spoke of naming Stella, Faith because of this necklace but in the end didn’t want to make Stella a picture of my Faith because that comes from with in me.

Stella Grace, Elijah and my necklace, pictures that show my Faith

Yesterday while I was working an idea popped into my head, as I was thinking about how thankful I was for such amazing children. You see I was looking over their report cards and before I knew it I had a lump in my throat. Every one of the kids had received outstanding marks in personal behavior, social development, work habits, listening and sharing ideas. I read phrases from the teachers about what a “pleasure it was to have them in class”, “demonstrates a hard work ethic”, “spreads joy”, “Outstanding citizenship”, “interacts well with classmates”, “Leader”…etc. As a parent I love to see “A’s” of course or the number “5” or “exceeds expectations”, however what moves me the most is that we are raising kids with love, respect, discipline, honor, rules and good morals. This is the area I think shapes us the most. I began to cry as I thought about all we/they have been through a divorce of their parents at a young age, a remarriage and merge of family, disease diagnosis, the loss of a sibling. I use to feel guilt for all the kids have been through in their young lives but yesterday that somehow changed and began to see to that yes they had been through so much but it has made them better people. Yes as a parent we hate when our kids are sad and never wish this, however that is the time for growth. Showing love to one another, not giving in to a rule or making an exception because they had it rough, teaching respect to you and one another, showing dedication and what hard work looks like. These are lessons that every day I work on with myself, bettering myself. I pray to learn and listen to others; I pray that my family feels my love and dedication to them and our community, I share stories of other families that struggle and we pray for those in need. After so much though and happy tears yesterday I decided last night to have the kids sit down and write 20 things they were most thankful for.

Carter wrote he is most thankful for his family, friends, food, water, house …etc. Some of the most moving one for me on his list were Hospitals and doctors that take care of Paige and mom, and took care of Eli.

Paige wrote she was thankful for her family, friends, house, water, air…etc. The part that was awesome about Paige was she is most grateful for love, life, and of course her red hair. This out of the child that is ill, her disease has taught her to value her life even more and not to take it for granted.

Ryan wrote she is thankful for her  mom, Ron, Dad, Paige, Carter, Izzo, Grandma, Grandpa, cousins, her friend Max and Katie…you get the picture…haha. However at the end she wrote she was thankful for having fun, school, her teachers, and the police.

I wanted to write was I was thankful for.

1. My faith, where would I be without this?
2. My husband who loves me unconditionally, and will always let me cry on his chest. He is the best listener, and doesn’t judge. He makes me feel safe. He is also sooo handsome!
3. My children, who are my greatest gift! They challenge me to be better daily, they love freely, they bring so much joy that my heart is overflowing.
4. My precious Elijah, who I carried in me for almost 36 weeks and bonded then but also for the most memorable 12 days I have ever had. I am thankful for this time and what I was taught.Elijah you were the strongest person I have ever known
5. My parents, they raised me in the safest environment where every day I was loved, I could be free, I could learn, but I had rules. I strive daily to raise my children with my own childhood in mind.
6. My friends, you listen, you hold my hand, we laugh, we cry!
7. God’s grace, I have Stella Grace growing inside me because of this. I feel the love and hope that comes from this. It pushes me forward.
8. Doctors and staff. There are too many of you to name. You work daily to save lives. You keep Paige and Stella growing, not to mention healing us all. You show us compassion and you try to save lives but when you can’t you are honest and graceful.
9. My In-laws, You have welcomed all of us with seamless transition. You were there for us when we needed you; you provide us strength, and love.
10. My Siblings, this is one is where I have a hard time saying all I feel. I feel the greatest support. Love and comfort knowing you are there for me.
11. My job, I have a job I love with the best boss and team I could ask for. It is flexible and always changing keeping me thinking and never bored.
12. My Grandma, she has been such an amazing teacher and woman to have as an example. She raised a family that is full of heart that is caring and dedicated to each other.
13. My nieces and nephews, who bring me joy and a warm my heart.
14. My entire family!

My list could go on but I think you got the picture.  Have a happy Thanksgiving and remember all you have to be thankful for.

I have made it to the 2nd trimester, the so called trimester to “enjoy and relax”. That is what all the books and websites say at least. For me the 2nd trimester is still accompanied by the never ending nausea, throwing up, massive headaches, and heart burn already. The part of the second trimester that I love is the peace of mind with test results coming back good for our baby girl so far, the anticipation and joy I get when I can feel our little miracle move inside me, my swelling stomach that is becoming more defined and not just making me look heavy.

We have picked out a name for our daughter. After thinking about the names Hope, Faith, Delilah, and Veronica we have come up with a name that encompasses where we are at in our life and journey. We have decided to name our daughter Stella Grace. Stella means star and  Grace  means favor, blessing, A virtue name referring to God’s grace. I think we all can see why this means so much. I feel as though God has given me the favor or blessing of another little star, with his never ending love for us.

We have our very own shinning little blessing growing inside of me and I can feels God’s favor everyday.

I have been thinking about Elijah a lot in the past few days, this is not new as I have never went for a day without thinking of this amazing little man. However what is different is the sadness it has brought me over the last two days. I sit back and wonder what is different? What is triggering this grief? Is it carrying Stella, is it the births of several friends babies? I realize it is just life and mourning. My friend Sarah had their baby boy last week after having a baby with HLHS, who fought his fight and made it through. She sent me a text that said “She forgot how easy it all can be Can’t wait for you to have the same experience”. I know with God’s favor this will happen, however it doesn’t change the fact that I would have fought to the end for Elijah. I’m hoping with this entry to the blog I can move forward and know my feeling are valid and just.

Well August started with a bang! Carter started football 5 days a week, I started a new job, family vacation, and a new life was growing and I didn’t even know yet. We were on our family vacation with all the kids and Ron’s family when I had the first “sign”. It wasn’t that I was late or anything was wrong it was an app I had on my phone. I downloaded a few months earlier while playing with the girls at my friend Mary Jo’s house it’s called “I Predict”. We the family and I were all having it read our fortunes, the phone was passed to me from Lexi and I tapped it and read “You’re pregnant. Congratulations!” I though wow maybe I am and everything started to feel different. I showed Ron, the kids, Pat, Cherri, I texted it to Mary Jo. I thought, I am! Also I though and this baby is stuck good after all the roller coasters I had rode two days prior

It was just two weeks after our vacation ended that I took the pregnancy test. Ron had asked me not to because he said I was just wasting one. However I waited until the next morning and I was right. Within 30 seconds I saw the word “pregnant”!!!! I called Ron at work and he didn’t believe me so I sent the picture of the pregnancy test. He said It’s a girl, I know it! Guess what he was right!!!!!

We are expecting a GIRL!

It is with a heart filled with hope, happiness, and faith that I write this blog. After a hard fought year I am bursting at the seams to announce we will be adding a new family member to our clan. Ron and I are expecting a new baby is early spring!!!!

I have wanted to share this news for weeks now but decided to wait until we went through some very extensive testing first. I am now able to say, I am through my first trimester and after many tests we are having a healthy baby, as of now. We will still have thorough  heart testing (fetal echo)on the baby at 20 weeks, but are filled with faith that all will great!

This pregnancy has not only filled us with hope and  happiness, it has also brought fear and sleepless nights. It is hard to describe the difference in this pregnancy after suffering through such a great loss, but I can say it is something I have never felt before. Daily I work on surrendering my fear and ask instead to be filled with faith and grace. I pray for health, and happiness, I pray for Elijah to know he is always with me, I pray and pray. I lay in bed and pray until it is the last thing I remember before sleep pulls me under. I sit here and write with the desire to say to all those who have lost a child, weather it was a miscarriage, still birth, or illness how brave you all are. I had no idea how it would feel to carry a baby again after our loss of Elijah, the fear being so mixed with joy. Also grieving in a time when you are typically so elated, such a bag of mixed emotions. Thank God, for our amazing support team of family, friends, and our medical team.

Here we go with a blog that is going to change gears and follow the pregnancy of our new fighter after the loss of our greatest and strongest fighter Elijah. I know we have the perfect little angel taking care of us!

Just over 11 years ago I was introduced to a song while it played at the first birthday party of Drew. This song was moving and even all those years ago brought an instant lump in my throat.

Drew Michael Vandlen on ECMO after his surgery August 2000

Back ground on Drew, he was the first experience I ever had with a congenital heart defect. Drew was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries. This is a defect where  the two main arteries going out of the heart—the pulmonary artery and the aorta—are switched in position, or “transposed”.  Meaning, too little oxygen is in the blood that is pumped from the heart to the rest of the body. When Drew was born it was unknown that he suffered from this defect and was a just a couple days old that he was transported to U of M Motts Children’s Hospital to undergo his life saving heart surgery.

Drew with his friend Pooh

I remember this time very clearly as I had just had my first son Carter and was pregnant at the same time as Jen even sharing our baby shower for the boys. Carter however was born in June and Drew was born in August. I remember hearing the news of Drew’s birth for the first time and immediately feeling guilt over having a perfect baby while Jen and Tim, two of the greatest followers of Christ were in turmoil. Fighting for the life of their first born child. I remember going to the Hospital in Grand Rapids to see the family before Drew was transferred and my heart breaking for what was such a life changing moment in their life. Yes it was life changing in many ways having a child, then the fear of losing a child, the questions etc.

Handsome Drew

I was sitting in the position you all are sitting for Ron, myself, Eli and our family. Waiting to hear anything, praying for healing, and strength, questioning why. I remember clearly checking my email on the hour waiting for the coveted email to come from Tim, or anyone. Crying when I read of the struggles, for Drew, Jen and Tim. Looking for the tiny piece of good news to cling to.

After a long stay and many complications Drew did make it home! It was Thanksgiving and our family was together and we prayed and gave thanks for Gods love for Drew, I remember the knot again in my throat as I held Carter on my lap. It was beyond my comprehension at the time.

Drew on far Left, Jacob Center, Carter Right. The boys celebrate three years old!

One miracle year later, around 50 people or more, had joined to again give thanks for Drew and celebrate his life. Tim is also a great photographer and videographer capturing ever moment of Drew’s journey he could and cutting it together to remind us how far Drew had come. The lights were dim and again Carter sit on my lap as the song “He’s my son: by Mark Schultz started to play with the first beautiful images of Drew and his heart journey. The song starts “Down on my knees again tonight, hoping this prayer will turn out right. See there is a boy that needs your help, I’ve done all that I can do myself. His mother is tired, I’m sure you can understand. Each night as he sleeps she goes into hold his hand, and she tries not to cry, as the tears fill her eyes. Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight? Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright? You can hear me, let me take his place somehow see he’s not just anyone he’s my son.”

Yesterday I sat in my car and this song came on. How to describe this moment? Thinking hard, wonder, hearing the pain that comes with these words and knowing how I did this very thing just under 6 months ago. I was in a different place in my soul, when I realized I was singing every word of this song. The song was in the 2nd verse where it says “Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep, I dream of the boy he’d like to be. I try to be strong and see him through, God who he needs right now is you. Let him grow old. Live life without this fear. What would I be, living without him here? He’s so tired, and he’s scared, let him know that your there.” We all know these were the very prayers I cried out throughout my pregnancy and Eli’s Life.

I was jolted awake last night at 1:03am as I realized I had to write about this today when I woke. I lay restless thinking of all I wanted to say, I remember looking at the clock last at 3:48am. Not believing I had stayed awake so long and thinking of all I wish I could share and knowing there was no possible way to put it all down.

12 years ago I thought about how frightening it would be to be is that situation, and thought I don’t have the strength to do what Jen and Tim did. Today I know that I am provided with everything I need in every situation by our heavenly father. The last verse of the song says “Can you hear me? Can you see him? Please don’t leave him, he’s my son” I think not only have I suffered but truly so many others have suffered losing, or having a sick child, and no one knows better than God, and his sacrifices.

Look at Drew NOW!!!

Grieving still goes on, I know it will never cease fully. When it comes I embrace it and the feeling. When it goes I am left with peace.

You’ve guessed it right it is another Birthday week in our home and this time it is for our sweet Paige. If you know Paige you know we are not kidding when we call her that. She has the nicest, sweetest, loving heart I have ever know. She is rarely upset and just loves with such ease. She sees the good in everyone and it is very rare that Paige is in trouble or making pore choices she is just “pure” it the best way to put it. She loves to hug and give kisses, she holds your hand, cuddles on the couch, just is always loving. When I look back at Paige I can’t help but think if her loving nature is from her early struggles when she was brought into the world. Paige was a preemie, and a sick one at that. She was delivered at Ingham and transported at just hours old to Sparrow where she was put in the NICU. She had to be put on a ventilator for immature lungs, and given a chest tube from her body being under too much stress, she then got pneumonia. It was the first time in my life that true fear was a part. I prayed much like I did with Elijah for Paige, I cried, I begged and pleaded and I was heard. My little fighter Paige made it through with grace.

Looking back at Paige as a baby she was always sweet and loving she just sat sucking that binkie of hers with her glow of red hair. She was in awe of her brother and found out how to keep up with him very young. However Paige as a toddler was somewhat different, she was always sweet as can be but she became an explorer. She was curious and was always into things, she could climb like you wouldn’t believe and I many times found her in the top of the bathroom pantry or stuck somewhere because she figured out how to get in and couldn’t figure how to get out. She would not stay in her bed and every night you would hear the pitter patter of Paige making her way out of her bed and down the hall to our room. It was at this time she would crawl into our bed and sing to us. She loved singing Bushel and a peck, or Baby bumble bee. Paige was my child who would wander off on more than one occasion and  I would find myself in another absolute nightmare, both times at our neighbors visiting. However you would turn around for a second and this little girl would be gone. At my parents pool she would wander in with no adults in the water and just go right under with no fear she would look up at you while you were freaking out and just stare, when you pulled her up she wouldn’t cry or even fuss she would just look for the opportunity ti do it again, my first grey hair came then as well as more nightmares. Now to see her you would never imagine that out of her.

If you look at Paige now this would not seem possible, she now is a pleaser. She has amazing grades and does tremendous in school, she takes the laid back approach with her friends and can typically find a solution to conflict.She stays close to myself or the adults and always checks in and then goes back to playing. Paige is also the child that has gotten two concussions, broke her arm, suffers from a rare hemangioma disorder, and was diagnosed with Crohns Disease last year. She has faced a lot in her 9 years on this earth. She is a fighter and warrior when needs be, she is an explorer when learning, and she is grace. Paige knows she is loved by God and her family and friends and in exchange is able to be the best example of unconditional love I have seen on earth. Paige is the perfect example of love, faith and hope!

Here I sit at the computer for a second time in one week, but this time it is about my amazingly beautiful little girl Ryan Mae! It is Ryan’s 7th birthday and I think back to all those years ago when my little blonde baby girl made her appearance in this world. She was born in the middle of the day and she was perfect, no complications just pure bliss. She was 6lbs 7oz and 21 inches long and the picture of a healthy baby unlike any baby I have ever had. She was wheeled out of the delivery room to our family who was waiting for her…My mom, dad, Aunt Wendy, Aunt Leanne, Uncle Mike, and of course Carter, and Paige. We were all instantly is love!

Ryan is a spunky little girl who is full of life. She loves to sing and dance and is always asking me to dance with her (like mother like daughter). Ryan is strong!!! I mean this in every way, she is strong willed, strong hearted, strong tempered. She lives her life full of passion! She lets you know when she is happy, when she is sad or even when she is tired. Ryan can communicate like no other child I know. She started talking in complete and precise sentences very young and she hasn’t stopped. She is helpful, a hard worker, loves to play with the boys outside, or play house with the girls. You will notice Ryan is always the mommy at house as she loves to nurture and love those around her or maybe it because she loves to have authority…haha. When we found out we were going to have a baby Ryan was so excited maybe the most excited if I dare say. Ryan would kiss my belly everyday she got out of her class at school and say Hi Eli. She was always singing to my belly and rubbing or talking to E. So for Christmas my mom bought Ryan an American girl doll while I was pregnant and she ordered it to look just like what Elijah looked like, she loved this baby boy doll like it was her very own, changing his diapers, feeding him, reading to him, loving on him, and sleeping with him. So it was to no surprise what an amazing big sister Ryan turned out to be for Elijah. She was nervous at first about being the big sister and asked for us to be patient because she was “new at this big sister thing”. But it only took minutes for Ryan to see her brother and fall in complete love with him. She went home and continued to pray for E. She prayed for him to get better, and to hold him, she asked God to take care of him. When she would come and visit she was never intimidated by the machines working on Elijah she would just march right in and pull up a chair to stand on. She kissed his hands, his feet and his head, she sang to him and she talked to him. She wanted to hold him and see him and always felt it unjust if a grandparent got to go in and she didn’t “it was her brother” she would state. When Eli passed she was broken hearted like us. She stills cries about missing her brother at least a couple times a month.

In telling about Ryan I hope you can see what a truly awesome little girl we have. She is full of spunk, full of love and full of life. Happy 7th birthday Ryan, mommy is so proud of who you are!!!!