elijahfarhat

Today has been the first I have been able to blog since the arrival of Stella Grace. Stella official joined our family on April 17th at 11:08am, weighing in at 5lbs 15oz. She has a full head of hair but hers is brown or maybe even Auburn. She is stunning and no one can agree who Stella looks like, I think she is the perfect combination of both Ron and I. The moment Stella was born she was quite entering the world in peace and just taking it all in, as i quietly weep into Ron’s shoulder with so many emotions. Relief she is here and healthy, and at the same time sad that she will never know her brother. She has proven to be the one thing I needed to help mend my broken heart. When Ron brings Stella to me in the recovery room silent tears roll down my face as he places our daughter into my arms and I place her to my breast and the instant she latches and knows I’m her mom. I forgot how magical this moment is. For the next several days you will not see Stella far from my arms, I will not take one moment of this baby for granted she is the greatest gift I have received.  Not to say that my other children are not this special but I was much younger and had not been given such large doses of what life can bring. Now I can see things in a new and much more radiant light.

Why do I keep referring to light? It is because one year ago today I wrote the log “The Sun” and I wrote of gods light shinning down on me and feeling it warm me and shine on everything around me. I can still remember that morning perfectly and how it felt. It felt warm and I felt gods light wrapping me with love by his light. The sun sparkled off everything it touched and it was beautiful. 

I haven’t blogged for reasons: the emotions that blogging brings, The tears I shed,  Stella keeping me busy, or just trying to rest when I get a moment. However right now I again sit in the NICU next to a bed with my baby in it. Just writing that sentence makes me vision blur with tears. However it is for Stella and Jaundice, nothing to serious but not fun all the same. Sunday morning we brought Stella home from the hospital and this act was so special Ron and I had come home with no baby last year and this year we are finally crossing the thresh hold with our daughter in our arms. I walk her to the nursery that use to be Elijah’s and I show her around and tell her over her guardian angel Elijah that watches over her every moment. I lay down and place Stella on my chest and we sleep. Her brother and sister hold her and love her and I am so thankful for every touch and every moment we all share. Ron rubs my back as I cry filled with so much to be thankful and the bittersweet feeling that comes as well. Ron and I take Stella on a walk yesterday and let the sun shine on her ever yellow growing face and we enjoy each step that passes. Stella rarely cries or fusses and we feel her peace in our hearts.  Today Wendy comes because Ron has to go back to work and Wendy takes Stella and I to the doctors we learn Stella is again gaining her weight back and it is back up to 5lbs 8oz, the good news. Now the bad news Stella has to be admitted for her Jaundice. This I know is small but to be told I can’t hold our baby for 24 hours does hurt my heart and soul.

I will take everything that comes and I will turn it over in prayer to God and I will be walking out of Beaumont in no time holding Stella Grace in my arms and knowing Elijah is watching and shining his light on us.

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Here I sit once again with Son Of God playing in the back ground and I write with so much coming my way in the next few weeks. We will be welcoming Stella Grace in the world and also mourning the one year mark of Elijah’s birth and death. I am clinging to God and his promises as well as my friends and loved ones as I deal with all these mixed emotions.

Two weeks ago my family threw a beautiful little shower for Stella and I. Who would have thought that, that act of love and excitement would cause so many tears for me. As I sat opening little pink sleepers and receiving blankets trying and show happiness and excitement  all I could feel was sadness that I had never experienced this Elijah. That I had never allowed myself true excitement and happiness about his little body and the miracle of his sweet soul growing inside me, this of course was because I had been so scared and overwhelmed by the situation. Then came the guilt that I felt because of this. A year of reflection and mourning behind me and I still do not understand.

How does one cope with these different emotions. I try to live each baby in the moment I am in. Grieving when I feel I need to grieve and rejoicing when the time is there. As the day approaches for Stella’s birth and the 1 year mark of Elijah’s life my heart is crying out for peace. Last night as I lay awake for hours this was my prayer “please heavenly father bring me peace” over and over again I spoke this. Maybe it will take holding Stella and seeing the full blood sister of our Eli. Maybe seeing if they look alike or feeling his presence in her. I pray he is happy to see us with Stella and that he will be her guardian angel. I pray he knows I’m sorry and that I love him so deeply. I pray for God’s grace and peace.

As the lyrics of Son of God ring out I am comforted by the fact that Elijah is a son of god and his soul is at peace, now to get mine on the same page.

I am reminding everyone again I do not proof read these blogs because it is too hard.

We have made to March, one month from Sunday I am scheduled to deliver our special baby girl Stella Grace!!!

March has started with a bang! On March 3rd the family attended a very special Sanctus Real concert and were able to go back stage and finally meet face to face with the Hammitt’s. Matt Hammitt is the lead singer of the Christian rock band that guided me through the darkest days of my life. Matt wrote a very emotional and uncovering album (Every falling tear) about his own true story of having a son that was born with HLHS. Sarah his wife and I have become friends and she helped guide me through many of the questions I had with Elijah. She guided through her own personal struggles with Bowen their awesome little man, and also helped me struggle through the questions I had from a Christian point of view. We spoke and went over many bible verses together she helped me when I was struggling through the why, what did I do to deserve this. She helped me remember that I did nothing, that bad things happen to good people. That this experience has brought me closer to my God and faith.

March 4th the entire family went on our vacation to Florida, a well deserved vacation for everyone. We had 8 fun filled days of enjoying the family time and warm weather together. We spent out time with Nana and Gido (Ron’s parents ) who spoiled us all for a week. There is nothing better than hearing and participating in the excitement of the 4 kids.  From the rides at Disney to the Golf cart rides and constant swimming. To watch the little bodies absorb vitamin D from the sun, and exchange leave the kids exhausted by the end of every night. What a great vacation before Stella makes her arrival.

We had a little scare last week with Stella, and preterm labor. It was Thursday night and I had complained to Ron of a worsening back ache since around lunch. The back ache became so bad by bed time that I could hardly roll over. I had listened to our Stella Grace on out fetal Doppler and she sounded great so off to slumber I went. When I was awaken at 4:30 with an Alert that school was being closed due to the snow storm I went to the bathroom and realized I was still feeling awful but now I was feeling completely nauseated as well. I was able to go back to sleep and was relieved to know I had a doctor’s appointment in Lansing in just a few hours. When I finally woke at 8am I woke to the kids laughing and enjoying their day off and all the snow that covered our yard and street, however I also awoke with severe pain on my belly. It was a cramping that was coming and going but would stop me in my tracks when it came. I tried to relax and get ready but I knew something was wrong. I loaded the girls in the car for the trip into Lansing to see grandma and grandpa while I went to the doctor. The roads were awful and it hadn’t stopped snowing in our area traffic was moving slow and panic began to grow in me as I drove closer to Lansing and further from Royal Oak. In Brighton I called Doctor Maser, Ron and my mom to tell them. I was in pain fearing I was in labor and driving my girls in the snow storm. Ryan was scared! She began to cry with worry about me as Paige talked nonstop with nerves. I told them mommy was ok and driving very safe it would be fine. After a 2 hour drive in that would typically only take an hour. My mom and dad met us at the Okemos exit where my mom drove me to the doctor and my dad took the girls to his house. We walked in and were seen immediately and given an ultrasound Stella had turned head down and her head was in my pelvis so no pictures as we couldn’t see her face anymore. I was contracting and sent to labor and delivery. I was there all day trying to stop the progression of labor. My contractions had moved from every 5 minutes t every 2 minutes I was give the maximum dose of Terbutaline a drug used to stop labor. This however didn’t work they changed to the drug Procardia and after several fast and furious doses this did slow them down. I was now however nausea’s not able to keep any food or drink down, had the horrible body shakes, and a migraine headache. I was able to go home on oral Procardia to keep the contractions at bay and it seems to be working as of now.

We have our Florida trip around the corner and just need to make it through this. I was given enough medicine to hopefully conquer our trip. I really need a vacation.

Funny when you think about things, it is so easy for some people to have children. Not for me and yet here I am on carrying my 5th amazing blessing and I swear I am more excited than ever. I feel like I was put on this earth to love and nurture and I don’t mind fighting for everything I have been given. It makes it all a little sweeter. Oh and the sweeter part also MSU basketball beat Michigan!

February 1st, is the start of Heart Disease Awareness Month.  In this post I want to show you the face of Congenital heart Disease as well as share facts about CHD.

I have never shared this video with anyone except Ron and the kids.  I thought everyone needs to see the sweet face and hear the cry of a baby born with Congenital Heart Disease, in our case Hypoplastic Right Heart syndrome. This is the first and only video we have of Elijah Thomas crying and with out tubes hooked all over him. This is the video that shows the first minutes after Elijah was born and in it you can hear Ron speaking to how amazing his little boy is. It is hard for us to watch this video and see how Elijah’s little life went but I feel it is important to show that he looked like a healthy baby with a bright future ahead of him. The tragic fact is he wasn’t.

Team Elijah rocking their red!

Congenital Heart Defect:  Facts & Statistics

♥  Congenital heart defects are America’s #1 birth defect. Nearly one of every 100 babies is born with a CHD.

♥  Congenital heart defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths.

♥  This year almost 35,000 babies will be born with a congenital heart defect. 3,500 of them will not live to see their first birthday.

♥  91,000 life years are lost each year in this country due to congenital heart defects.

♥  The cost for inpatient surgery to repair congenital heart defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year.

♥  Congenital heart defects occur frequently and are often life threatening, yet research into them is grossly under funded.

♥  Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward congenital heart defect research.

♥  In the last decade death rates for congenital heart defects have declined by almost 30% due to advances made through research.

♥  More than 50% of all children born with a congenital heart defect will require at least one invasive surgery in their lifetime.

♥  There are 35 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most them. There is not yet a cure for any of them.

♥  In the U.S., twice as many children die from congenital heart defects each year than from all forms of childhood cancer combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD.

A lot of research has been done and relayed onto expecting mothers in regards to preventing CHD. I know for a fact with Elijah I did everything possible to prevent this horrible disease and  still Elijah was born with a CHD, one of the most severe forms HRHS. I took my Folic acid for three months prior to conception as well as my prenatal vitamins, I cut caffeine and soda out of my diet, I do not smoke, and rarely drink alcohol, and never do once I am expecting, I exercised and our families have no history of this defect, yet we were given Elijah. I believe God sent him for a reason, as I fully define what that reason is I will try my hardest to help fight CHD as well as find a cure for this horrible disease that is the #1 cause of birth related deaths in the United States. Tomorrow is national wear red for Heart Disease day and I hope you will help bring awareness as well as I to help stop this disease.

Elijah lives through our family as the voice to help others so they don’t have to experience the pain that comes along with having a child with a CHD and losing a child. Elijah has brought people together in love and support, he has brought people back to their faith, but his life still can do more. I am open for ideas on how to help fund raise for this over looked disease. If you have Ideas or would like to help please contact me.

Elijah, we love you and miss you everyday! We never stop thinking of you!

Team Terariser in full effect sporting their red Ribbons for Baby E!

Team Kingsley!

   It is another birthday week in our family, this time it’s Lexi’s turn. Lexi turns 11 on Monday. Though I was not there to tell about her birth and struggle she did have one. Ronnie and Pat have told me a lot about Lexi’s birth and early days. Becky went into labor but the doctors could not stop it. Ronnie explained it as rushing around and being very scared. Lexi was born at 28 weeks gestation and weighed in at 2lbs.  Though she arrived early she was born healthy and able to breathe on her own. Only assisted by a c-pap machine.  Her main hurdle’s were gaining weight, learning to suck, and monitoring her CO2 saturation. After several weeks in the Neo-Natal unit Lexi was finally released weighting in at 4lbs 2oz.

I remember the first time I ever met Lexi it was almost 4 years ago to the date and Lexi had just turned 7 years old. We met while at our friends Jim and Cecilia’s house to watch a MSU basketball game. Lexi  was wearing a jean skirt with leggings and a pair of bedazzled high tops. She was full of energy and we both practiced back walk overs, splits and other various gymnastics moves in Jim’s basement.  I played with all the little girls in the basement,while the other adults watched the game. Every time I would try to watch the game for a moment Lexi would come and ask me to play with her.  After the party we went to the mall and to a movie with her dad and I also remember Lexi reaching up and holding my hand out of the blue. It was at this moment I remember thinking, it was going to be easy to love this little girl and so it began. The slow bond that one forms with a child that is not of your womb. The learning of each other, the trust that is formed, the love that follows.

Lexi in four short years has grown in so many ways not only the physical growth but also the emotional growth. Becoming a step sister on both sides of her family, going from being an only child for 8 years to having 5 step siblings learning to share not only parents but more  the struggle with toys and belongings. She has done a wonderful job with this and has formed wonderful bonds and friendships with everyone. She has also had her brothers births. Becky had Mason in December 2011 and Lexi seemed to be a natural at being a big sister. She loves her brother and talks all the time about the funny little things he does and never complains about anything dealing with Mason. She tells of how she would do anything to protect Mason and it truly touches my heart. I wish she would have had more bonding time with Elijah because I know what an amazing big sister she is.  Lexi is caring, and always worried about how I feel and if Stella is healthy. I can not wait until she is able to hold her sister and fall in love with her.

I think when you are a step parent you always fear what the children are thinking and feeling. When I look at Lexi I do not fear this. I feel she has been extremely flexible, able to adapt easily and love freely. I know I was able to love her from that first day and I am glad that she has been able to do the same.

When I think of words that describe Lexi I think first of strong. She has been through a lot in her 11 years and has made it look easy. Her dad describes Lexi as resilient, and sweet, but also stubborn or the nicest person. He says she works her magical powers getting out of trouble, she knows how to work a room. But to him she is his miracle girl.  She is kind hearted and loves animals and her family.  She is beautiful and has a contagious laugh. She loves to be tickled and cuddled or have her back scratched. She could swim all day, and loves to draw. Lexi is a blessing and we can’t wait to see what her future will bring. Happy 11th birthday Lexi, we all love you.

It is hard to believe that just 9 short months ago our beautiful baby boy entered this world. Not a day or even hour has passed that I don’t think of our amazing Elijah Thomas. In these past months our family has changed in so many ways. We have been forced to grow in ways that no one ever wants to but also needs to.  This makes our family love more, it makes us appreciate more, it makes every joy greater. Our foundation has become even more solid. Things that use to upset us seem so small. I think about carrying Stella inside of me and also not a day or hour has passed that I am not thankful.

Ron and I were talking the other night and I was explaining that it had been a hard day for myself in regards to Elijah and feeling the sadness. The sadness not only for what I had gone through myself but also what Elijah went through. I read a few old post and was transported back to the room and the feeling. I remember clearly sitting next to Elijah’s bed and writing about what we were experiencing.  I remember the fear, the love, the hope, the heartbreak. I remember thinking I can’t share everything because I need people to have hope for Elijah. The truth is we don’t know what would have been in store for Elijah. He went through so much in such a short time, now I do know with all my heart that our special little fighter is in a better place and he is at peace.

Now sitting back after 9 months I think of all the prayers that were said, all the well wishes, all the hope and I think our little Stella Grace has received many of those.  It’s funny now when I feel Stella move inside of me it is nothing like how Elijah did. Eli was always active always pushing back if you touched him showing his fight. Stella is gentle she relaxes when I rub my belly, she seems at peace.  If anyone tries to feel her move and places there hand on my belly she stops it’s like she already is soothed by touch. I think it is from all the love and support we have received from all of you and also from God and Elijah her angel watching over his little sister. What a comfort and it is one I will always let her know.

Stella Grace 24 weeks